


The Art of Letting Go

by Sidi



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Depression, Drunk Sex, F/M, Gay Keith (Voltron), I am sorry for this, It is helping me cope in the holiday season though, Loneliness, M/M, Other: See Story Notes, Pain, Shiro and Keith are sort of adopted siblings? Not really, Similar dynamic though, Some light violence, Suicidal Thoughts, dubious consent due to alcohol?, not for everyone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-21
Updated: 2017-02-12
Packaged: 2018-09-01 09:00:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 34,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8618038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sidi/pseuds/Sidi
Summary: The one thing that Keith has learned from life is how easy it is to let go. To let go of people, to let go of places, to let go of yourself. It is something that hurts at first until you stop fighting it. Letting go even becomes the easy choice after a certain point.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is not going to be a fic where Lance comes into Keith's life and through the power of love everything is fine in a chapter or two. They will both be dating other people at a certain point and please, please read all of the tags.  
> Also, I tend to write really moody, depressed Keith and I am not sure why because I don't actually think he is like that in the show. So, a bit out of character, I suppose.

The one thing that Keith has learned from life is how easy it is to let go. To let go of people, to let go of places, to let go of yourself. It is something that hurts at first until you stop fighting it. Letting go even becomes the easy choice after a certain point in his life.

Not getting along with someone? Just let go. Someone hurts your feelings? Who cares, not like they will be there tomorrow.

It is a reactive mentality for him. He grew up without a family and with the bad luck of not getting adopted into a good home while he was a baby. It becomes exponentially more difficult to get adopted every year that passes after that all important first one. It never happens for Keith.

Not that every foster home is bad, of course. There are others who probably had it worse than him. But, it also taught him that love and permanence were not for him.

Permanence is something that normal people take for granted. Your house, your friends, your family. You take for granted that they are permanent fixtures in your life. Keith knows better, at least for himself. Rather than assuming permanence, he assumes ephemerality. That everyone and everything will be just a fleeting presence in his life. This is reinforced by the long line of foster homes, kids who played with him one day and then were out of his life the next, foster parents’ eyes that may have been kind and pitying, but never loving.

He wonders sometimes if any of them even remember him.

Whether it is part of his nature or how he was raised, Keith never fully establishes the ability to forge lasting connections even when he is older. It isn’t that he never has friends. He does and sometimes friends he likes quite a bit. But, he can’t come up with the words to say or the actions that make someone move from a friend of convenience to a permanent friend. Others seemed to do it so easily, slipping into lifelong friendships with little effort.  

No one wanted to be that to Keith though. He was, at best, a temporary or replacement friend. Keith was that person who was convenient to talk to while your other friends that you like more were assigned to a different classroom for that class period. He was the person that you played with during the Summer because he lived closer than your real friends. He was the intermediary friend you hung out with when your friend group is temporarily smaller because someone has moved or two of your friends were fighting.

Keith was not someone you actually cared about showing up to your birthday party or not. He was not someone that you imagined coming to your wedding one day. He was definitely not someone you loved. No, never that.

Which is fine. It hurts, but Keith grows older and colder. He locks away his desire for love, for touch, for someone who cares away tightly in his chest, behind a thin sheet of metal.

He understands that he needs to at least pretend to be normal though. He spends a part of his life beating up anyone that has anything to say to him. Keith quickly realizes this doesn't, ultimately, help him or make his life easier. So now he forces smiles and fakes laughs.

He will complain with classmates about math tests at the same time as never letting anyone in.  

When he makes a new friend, he repeats to himself that it is only temporary. When a new classmate says hi to him, he understands that this person will likely not even remember his name once the class ends. When someone asks for his phone number, he gives it, understanding that it will soon be a worthless, unused piece of data taking up space on his phone.

Never get your hopes up. Never care about someone.  And definitely never imagine that there are arms out there in the world who want to hold you and never let go.

It is how Keith survives into college. He makes good grades and manages a scholarship that will allow him to get by along with a part-time job. He is undecided what he wants to do in life, but he knows that he doesn’t want to have to rely on anyone for anything. He dreams of a life making enough money to afford an apartment without a roommate. He dreams of crawling into himself every second he isn’t at work, listening to the soothing sounds of silence. He dreams of being alone, like an animal licking his wounds.

There is nothing in Keith’s 19 years of life that has led him to believe that there are any other possibilities for his life. He no longer expects it. He has even stopped dreaming about it.

So there isn’t really anything that prepares him for the tan-skinned boy that walks into his English 1101 course the first day of classes. He is as insignificant as a cough that later turns out to be cancer. The boy is loud and talkative. He is already friendly with other people in the class, and quickly makes the rounds introducing himself to the others around him.

He doesn’t formally meet the boy until the next class period when they are forced to do group work together. The boy introduces himself with a cheerful “The name’s Lance” and then compliments Keith’s backpack. His teeth are bright white and he has a wide and genuine smile. Keith finds himself irritated.

_Shut up you don’t actually like my backpack._

Is what he wants to say, but instead he just says thanks and introduces himself as well.

He knows this type well. Attractive, charismatic, overly friendly, flirty.

This type of person comes in two basic types. The first type is a subtle bully though no one recognizes it because they aren’t the movie stereotype of one. This type is, on the surface, friendly to everyone, but can sense weakness or when someone is just a bit different. So, they easily manipulate classmates against the person, always keeping that person just slightly on the outside no matter what. The attacks are subtle, such as “accidentally” forgetting to invite someone to go work on a group project together or talking about how weird the target is, but in such a stealthy way that it doesn’t really register as bullying. This type of bully is better at getting other people to do his dirty work without those people even realizing they are doing it. Keith was often a target for these people. They could sense that there was something wrong with him from a mile away. 

The first type also usually happened to be womanizers, who Keith hated. He cannot imagine having the ability to make someone love you and then throwing it away just to do it again. If he could make one person love him, then he would never, ever let them go.

The second type was less horrible, but possibly irritated Keith more than the first type. These were the genuinely nice people who saw him as a charity case. They could also sense there was something wrong with him, but wanted to fix it rather than break him further.

They treated him like a project.

He does think “fixers” mean well, but it does not change that Keith is unable to be fixed. That the wound was deeper than anyone in this life could reach. That it spanned back to the very moment he came into existence.

Keith is currently the project of a man he met while temporarily in a group home as a teenager. The man, named Shiro, had been a foster kid as well and now worked as a mentor. They had only met once or twice together before Keith left. Shiro, somehow, got in touch later outside of a professional capacity and they occasionally met over coffee or spoke on the phone. He seems like a nice guy. Keith never once believes this is a permanent situation though. The writing was already on the wall in the form of a new girlfriend, a beautiful woman. This is it, Keith had thought as Shiro showed him a picture.

Relationships with “fixers” were always temporary no matter how dedicated they became to their new project. Even if Keith played along, ultimately even these kind people drifted away from him. He would rather just be left alone.

As he completed the group work with this “Lance,” he hopes that he is the first type. Not that he likes womanizer bullies, but Keith is numb to any type of bullying now. He doesn’t want to become a project for this boy with his smile that lights up his entire face and some of the most beautiful eyes Keith has ever seen.   

By the end of the 50 minute class period, Lance has flirted with everyone in the immediate vicinity, including Keith himself, produced a picture of his family that he passes around the group, eagerly talking about how much he will miss them being a whole 20 minute drive from his house now, and gets in a trashcan basketball contest with the other boy in their group, someone named Hunk.

When Lance asks for Keith’s phone number afterward, what can he do but give it? This is what college kids do.

As he trudges back to his apartment for the day, Keith compliments himself on how far he has come since high school. When he was younger, someone like Lance would have probably brought him to tears once he was alone. The ability to be friends with the entire classroom in less than a week of classes. The casual and loving references to his adorable looking family. The friendly banter that came so easily for seemingly everyone but Keith.

But Keith doesn’t cry now. He is an adult and he doesn’t need or want anyone or anything. Not banter. Not a family. Not a picture to hold of someone he loves. And definitely not the friendship of a person named Lance.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being involved with Lance feels like falling. That moment when your body first loses control of itself, but your mind hasn’t caught up yet. The descent that is somehow fast and slow at the same time. The eventual impact.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey maybe I should do something fluffy and nice for the holidays. Lol NOPE.

Slipping into Lance’s friend group over the next year is effortless, like being a leaf drifting down the current of a river. They have classes together, sometimes even group work together, similar work schedules. Keith finds himself falling into their rhythm without even realizing it is happening. Quick coffee dates, group study at the library, the occasional Mexican dinner at Pidge’s favorite Mexican place that everyone likes because you can get what feels like 10 pounds of food for under 10 dollars. Movie nights at Hunk’s. Hearing Lance complain about everything, but the way he did it didn’t feel like complaining so much as talking, always a sparkle in his eyes. Getting and giving help with various classes, all having their own strengths and weaknesses when it came to academics.

Keith knows that Lance is part of the reason he is welcomed into this friend group so warmly. Lance gently and perhaps unknowingly sets the pace for his friends. And he had, for some reason, taken to Keith. Keith would not consider himself terribly good with people. While very surface interactions were ok, relationships so rarely moved beyond that point that Keith isn’t good at any other type of interaction. He knows he can be blunt or sound angry sometimes when he really isn’t. It turns people away from him. So, the first time he snaps at Lance a little too harshly for his driving skills, annoyed at the other boy’s inability to use a turn signal, he expects pretty much anything other than Lance laughing loudly and insulting his driving skills right back, despite the fact that Keith had never actually driven Lance anywhere before.

This is typical of a Lance interaction. He could turn even awkward situations into good-natured banter. It made talking to him easy for Keith who was so used to carefully measuring every word he would say and, even then, messing up frequently. Lance seems to find his roughness amusing and can clap back at Keith without introducing animosity to the exchange.

It is easy to talk to Lance, to make him laugh, to be made to laugh.

But Lance isn’t just a jokester. That would be simplifying the depths Keith recognizes in the other boy. Lance is good at handling him in other ways than just telling jokes. He is startlingly adept at reading Keith’s moods and knowing what Keith needs at any given moment. Sometimes it is a bit of space. There had been times when, out with a group, Keith had been overwhelmed, momentarily giving into the anxiety and pain that mostly lay dormant inside him. Lance never called him out on it, but rather directed conversation elsewhere, allowing Keith some breathing room.

Sometimes he needs the exact opposite of space. Lance is somehow able to read Keith’s mind when he doesn’t want to be alone and there is always something going on and someone wanting to hang out. Keith would find himself pulled from his lair, forced to socialize.  He sleeps easier on those nights.

Sometimes it is just a hand on the shoulder. A stupid joke. A presence.

It is also spooky how Lance always seems to know when Keith needs a text message too. Just a quick story from his day or a stupid meme sometimes, but it serves as a reminder to Keith that Lance is there. The Thanksgiving break of that first year was rough for Keith. Everyone was gone and, even though Keith had a standing invitation to spend Thanksgiving with Shiro, he would never butt in on another family’s holiday. Holidays were days to be spent with those you loved.

Lance had texted him regularly over that week though, filling the empty space that surrounded Keith without overwhelming him.  

Keith has been in college for a year and a half now, and kept the same friend group, with Lance in the middle of it. It feels unnatural, unnerving.

Being involved with Lance feels like falling. That moment when your body first loses control of itself, but your mind hasn’t caught up yet. The descent that is somehow fast and slow at the same time. The eventual impact.

And Keith waits for this impact. The collision. The other shoe to fall. He tells himself to stop being so comfortable. To stop making future plans with any of them. But particularly Lance.

The feeling in his chest is one that he barely recognizes, but it scares him. Keith knows this isn’t going to be a fall so much as a dive off a cliff if he doesn’t get control of himself.

“So, do you and your friends have plans this weekend before Thanksgiving?” Shiro asks.

It is their weekly phone call. Keith is always a little surprised every time the phone rings and it is Shiro.

“I am not sure I would call them my friends,” Keith says in return. He realizes this is an annoying response, but he can’t stop himself.

“Why not? Do you care about them?”

“Yes.”

“And they care about you?”

“They don’t care about me in the same way I care about them.”

“How do you know that?”

“Stop, Shiro. You aren’t my therapist.”

“I’m your friend.”

Keith is tired.

“Why?”

It is an honest question. He hadn’t really been what you could call a friend to Shiro.

“Well, because we are! You are a great guy when you aren’t being an asshole. Like when you skipped my wedding.”

Keith winces. He had skipped Shiro’s wedding. Weddings were basically like death to Keith. They marked the moment when people disappear and never speak to him again. Weddings weren’t joyful moments to be celebrated. Of course, he was happy for Shiro, who seemed elated and in love. But it signaled the end of this so-called friendship. Shiro would be a newlywed and, one day, a dad. Why would he bother with a depressing hanger-on like Keith?

It is why Keith is always surprised every single time that he gets a text or call from Shiro, even a year after the other man’s wedding.

“I’m sorry” he mutters.

“It’s ok. I know they aren’t your thing. Do you want to come for Thanksgiving? It’s just going to be me and Allura, again.”

“No, I have plans.”

“Are you lying?”

“I’ll be fine.”

Keith is overwhelmed by all the caring that seems to be coming his way lately. Shiro had continued to call, to meet him for lunches every once in awhile, to gently prod him about his life.  

Then, there are his friends (which Keith supposes they deserve that title now). Hunk had baked him a birthday cake. _A birthday cake_. It had red frosting and a space ship on it and Keith had barely stopped himself from tearing up when he saw it along with the table of smiling faces.

Pidge and him had casually discussed moving in together after college since both of them wanted to try living in a bigger city at some point. Maybe Atlanta, or New York. Nyma and Lotor were making plans for the best graduation party ever. Keith found himself casually throwing out suggestions for possible locations, since they wanted to go to a beach of some sort.

What Keith is really thinking is that their graduations wouldn’t be for another two and a half years. Why even assume any of them would be friends in that time, let alone friendly enough to go on vacation together??

And then there was Lance.

Lance had found out that Keith spent last Thanksgiving and Christmas truly alone and acted like someone shot his puppy. He had begun treating Keith a bit more gently, which irritates Keith. This felt like being made into a project.

So, he isn’t in the best frame of mind when Lance comes up to him after a study session at the library, beanie twisted in his hands, asking if he can talk to him alone.

“I want to ask you something and please at least consider it.”

“Ok,” Keith responds, afraid of what is coming next.  

“Come home with me for Thanksgiving.”

Keith can’t stop himself from shuddering and reflexively moving away from the taller boy.

“All of my family is totally cool with it. We have plenty of room, but there is a hotel close by if you want your own space because I know you are used to living alone and maybe you want some private space and my parents would pay for the hotel but we have plenty of room and food and my mom…”

“Ok, stop. Thanks for the offer, but no.”

“Just think about it. We could have fun. I have lots of video games!”

There is something in Keith’s chest that tightens just a bit at how innocent Lance sounds. Like they are 12 and he wants to play MarioKart with him while his mom bakes cookies. Keith is exhausted in every sense of the word. Lance feels so innocent and pure that Keith cannot stand it. Sometimes he is a little bitter at the life he assumes Lance had. But he also wants to protect Lance, which he acknowledges is a weird emotion to feel about someone who is just a temporary friend. Part of him wants to reach out, grab Lance, and cradle him, keeping him safe from the ugly parts of the world.  

Sometimes Lance burns so bright it hurts Keith.

“I’m going to Shiro’s,” Keith finally says, not looking directly at Lance.  

“You are lying. You are a terrible liar. Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”

Keith cannot bring himself to tell Lance how it would feel, how it felt at all the foster homes all those years, how Lance’s family would be kind, but just because they were kind people, not because they actually give a shit about him, how they would pity him, how it would hurt to see everyone be so happy around him, how sometimes it felt like people were being happy _at_ him.

As Keith thinks, Lance put his hand on Keith’s arm, rubbing gently.

“Come on Keith. At least think about it?” He steps a bit closer and it is officially too much for Keith. He smacks his arm away and then, against his better judgment, puts his hand on Lance’s chest and pushes him backward. It isn’t a hard push by any means, but Lance still looks shocked.

“No. No means no, Lance. Why would I want to go home with you anyway?”

He doesn’t mean it like that, but Keith supposes that doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things because Lance definitely took it that way.

“Fine. I’ll see you after break.” Lance turns and leaves, body tense and voice cold. Keith watches him walk away until he can no longer see him.   

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell Lance is my favorite?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “They seem to be getting closer, don’t you think?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing Lance and Keith with other people is actually surprisingly hard. I am such Klance trash. I tried to avoid demonizing Nyma just for existing in my own story lol.

That Thanksgiving, Keith sits in his living room alone. He made a basic stew for himself and congratulates himself on avoiding the frozen pizza sad holiday stereotype.  

He eats quietly and watches Youtube videos on his laptop before being interrupted by his text message alert noise.

**[Message Received]**

Lance: Happy Thanksgiving! Mom is making me bring food back for you so you better prepare for the best food you have ever eaten!

Keith acknowledges that he is probably a bit too happy that Lance apparently envisions a future where they will still interact. He did send a quick apology text to Lance after their fight, if you could call it that. He is proud of himself for at least getting that right, that Lance deserved an apology.  

Just a little more time, Keith pleads to someone, or maybe the universe. Just let me be friends with him for a little bit longer.

Things mostly go back to normal after break. Keith is unsure if he is imagining it, but Lance seems less pushy about hanging out with Keith. It could be the stress from school. Or it could be that Keith pushed him when he was trying to be a nice person.

Either way, Keith doesn’t have the tools to try to speak to Lance about it. He isn’t even sure something is wrong. He is used to fights being the end of his relationships. Lance still being around seemed like a modern miracle. He isn’t going to be greedy and push for the same level of intimacy as before.

After Thanksgiving brought finals and various combinations of their friend group spent a lot of time in the group study areas in the library. Pidge, Lotor, Nyma, Lance, and he would schedule time almost every day in preparation for a huge Chemistry final.

Chemistry came most naturally to Pidge and Lance. They would use a big whiteboard to write down equations and sometimes act as tutors for the others. Nyma is definitely the weakest. Very bright in other areas, but not great at chemistry.

Lotor is probably on the same level of understanding as Keith. He is a pale boy with shoulder-length blonde hair and dark brown eyes. He is also quiet, at least compared to Lance or even Pidge and Nyma. Sometimes, Keith sees a bit of himself in Lotor. His behavior seems a little less genuine than the others, almost performative. He also seems to bounce between friend groups rather than settling into one. Part of Keith feels drawn to Lotor for this reason even though Keith senses that their shared behavior probably has a different origin.   

While Pidge, Lance, and Nyma are figuring out a particularly difficult problem, Lotor slips beside Keith without Keith even realizing it.

“Hey” he said, his voice low

“Hey,” Keith answered. Him and Lotor had bonded the least out of anyone in the friend group. Not that he dislikes the boy, but their interactions tend to be short and random.

“They seem to be getting closer, don’t you think?”

Keith glances at the trio working on the problem. Lance is leaning over Nyma’s notebook, comfortably, casually. His hand is on her shoulder. A stab of fear runs through Keith’s body.

“You think so?” Keith responds. Were they? Had they always been?

“Yeah….are you ok?”

Keith wonders if he is that bad at hiding his emotions now.

“Yeah I am just worried about this test.”

Lotor smiles, nods, and goes back to his seat, leaving Keith reeling. The rest of the study session is a waste for him as he watches Lance and Nyma.

He spends quite a bit of time over the next few weeks watching Lance and Nyma.

It isn’t that Keith hates people in relationships. He understands most people want them. He even wants one if he can imagine a world where someone would be in one with him. His main issue with relationships is the fact that they were basically a friendship killer. People in relationships tend to isolate themselves away from others and cocoon themselves in love or whatever bullshit happens in relationships. Though a friendship or two might survive, they are usually put on the back burner and the ones that survive are very established friendships like Lance and Hunk.

Keith is constantly on thin ice with any type of friendship. Relationships mean he is immediately cut out.  

Keith goes through a weird version of the five stages of grief while coming to terms with the fact that Lance was falling in love. The first is denial. Lance is a very touchy feely person in general. He is an affectionate person. So what if he occasionally threw his arm around Nyma? So what if they seem to sit closer than before and always sit next to each other now. It doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean anything at all.

Then he catches them on what could only be described as a date and the denial stage shatters. Nyma was gorgeous, as tall as Lance with long silvery blonde hair. They make a truly stunning couple, hugging outside a coffee shop. They look right together. They look comfortable. Keith had walked in the other direction, thankful they hadn’t seen him especially since stage 2 was rapidly growing in his chest.

Anger is a safe emotion. Keith prefers anger to other bad emotions. So, he rode it as far as he could take it no matter how irrational. Why did Nyma have to exist? And be single? And interested in Lance? Lots of people stay single for years. Why did Lance not just want to be single? Or even play the field a bit? Weren’t college students into casual sex with loads of people? The anger at them eventually subsided and turns into anger at himself. A less pleasant feeling. Why did he have to be like this? Why couldn’t he just be happy for two people he considered his friends? Why did he have to be the one who is always alone?

The bargaining phase is a tad creepy and Keith would never admit it happened to anyone.  He begs, to the universe again, or whoever might be out there, for just a little bit more time. Even if Lance was with Nyma, that didn’t mean they would be together all the time. Nyma goes home frequently. Lance is an active, social person. Surely there is some time for Keith in there. Keith would do anything, just about anything, to not lose Lance right now. He had grown comfortable, used to the casual touches and warmth of having a friendship like Lance’s. Keith doesn’t want to lose that warmth just yet.

It takes another study session with Lance and Nyma, now noticeably distracted by each other, for Keith to realize that Lance is already gone.

The depression and acceptance phases roll into one, never-ending emotion for Keith. He is sad, but resigned. He knew this would happen one day. He just hoped it would happen after they all graduated. He would be fine. He would endure, survive, like he always did.  

Keith knows he is being selfish and even a bit dramatic. It isn’t even that he dislikes Nyma or doesn’t want Lance to be happy. He just hates the thought of losing the life he currently has, filled with friends and a social life he never imagined having.

The dull ache, the pain that Keith feels in this moment, lets him know that he let himself get too attached. He let himself care a bit too much about Lance and their other friends, who he assumes he will also lose. Isn’t Lance the one that kept him connected to the rest of them anyway?

He curses himself for letting it happen, for allowing himself to come to rely on these people.  

When Lance finally sees him in the library one day alone and awkwardly announces that him and Nyma are dating, officially, Keith thinks he musters up enough of his resolve to seem genuine when he congratulates Lance and tells him they make a good couple. Lance smiles and pats Keith on the shoulder, saying he is happy, which seems like a bizarre thing to say to Keith. Lance seems relieved, the strange tenseness in his shoulders relaxing when Keith congratulates him.  What Lance doesn’t realize is that Keith is already saying his goodbye.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He is in denial for as long as he can be. He ignores it. He calls it something else.

**[Message Received]**

Pidge: 1130 at the caf see you then

**[Message Received]**

Lotor: Want to have dinner tonight to celebrate finishing that project?

**[Message Received]**

Lance: Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed

 

Despite Keith’s initial panic at Lance and Nyma’s relationship, he finds that not much has changed in the last month. Lance doesn’t suddenly ditch him, let alone every friend he made at college. In hindsight, Keith should have known that Lance is not the type to ditch friends over a relationship. Keith cannot imagine a Lance not surrounded by people. College life goes on pretty much as normal except for never seeing Lance on Friday nights anymore since that is Lance and Nyma’s date night.

Lotor had also somehow ended up in almost every one of Keith’s classes so they had gotten closer too. Overall, Keith still has a pretty busy social life, one that isn’t left in shambles because Lance started dating someone.

Ultimately, life continues and Keith’s previous dramatics are not particularly warranted.

However, there is one nagging issue that Keith finds himself horrified to acknowledge.

He is in denial for as long as he can be. He ignores it. He calls it something else.

It takes a Christmas party to bring the problem to a head. They have the party in January, since December is tricky with most everyone traveling immediately after finals.

Lance ignores all of Keith’s protests against going to the party, essentially forcing him to come. Keith shows up, takes one look at the brightly decorated living room belonging to some random frat boy, sees Lance and Nyma already making out in a corner, and immediately makes his way to the kitchen to find alcohol.

Keith doesn’t drink as a rule. He doesn’t like the loss of control. He doesn’t think it tastes good. This night, however, he finds himself downing mulled wine and doing shots of vodka with Lotor, which he isn’t even sure vodka is something you are supposed to do shots of.  

Most of the night is a blur afterward. He has vague memories of dancing with Lotor, Pidge, and some random boy with purple hair. Flashes of finding himself under the mistletoe, later at night, when everything is dark, and getting a few kisses on the cheek from various people and one on the mouth though he doesn’t know who did it. Someone grabbing his ass and him not caring.

He remembers, quite vividly, the end of the night though. Lotor had called an uber for them and, as they were leaving, Lance ran out to say goodbye. He shakes Lotor’s hand and then drunkenly grabs Keith in a big hug.

Keith feels small being crushed against Lance’s chest. He is so tall and broad despite his thinness and had long arms that seemed to wrap around Keith’s entire body like a vice.

He whispers something in Keith’s ear that comes out as,

“I’m sorry I…….you. It’s hard…….you sometimes.”

“What,” Keith had yelled back as Lotor grabs his arm and starts pulling him toward the uber. Lance smiles and waves as they pull away.

When Keith gets home, he paces around his apartment, his drunkenness fading bit by bit. He goes into the bathroom, not daring to look in the mirror. He drops his head, running his hands through his hair, then finally looks up at his reflection.

He looks ridiculous. His face is red, eyes unfocused, reflecting his intoxicated status, and his hair is a mess. He looks in the mirror for a few moments before finally admitting it.

“I love Lance.”

“I might be in love with Lance.”

There is a part of him that is relieved when he admits it to himself. In hindsight, it is obvious. He had loved Lance long before he put it into words for himself. The other part of him, a deeper part of him, knows that he is totally fucked.

Acknowledging the issue makes it worse, like scratching the scab off a wound before it has healed properly. After the Christmas party, he becomes hyperaware of Lance’s every word and action. He also begins to, quite unfairly, hate Nyma. He finds himself hating pretty much everything about her, without reason. Her trendy, but not too trendy style. Her wit. The way her rich ass family loved Lance and welcomed him into the family. The easy way her and Lance seem to fit together. How beautiful she is and how Lance looks at her. Keith hates himself for being this petty, this small of a person.

It becomes harder to be around them. Keith has never loved someone like this before. He isn’t an unfeeling robot, of course, and he knows he is gay for as long as he can remember. However, romance seems like such a distant impossibility that he quickly crushes any growing feelings as soon as they start. Lance had somehow slipped under his defenses though and hit Keith where he is vulnerable.

Keith kept his emotions locked away most of the time, but it is deep when he does feel. Sometimes his love for Lance makes him feel like he is choking it is so intense.    

He knows that graduation will solve the issue by itself. They would go their separate ways as life tends to scatter people. But that would be years in the future and Keith needs help now.  

He ends up asking Shiro to lunch, which is a rare occurrence. While sitting across from Shiro at the diner, he notes the genial attitude Shiro adopts even though he can sense that something is up.

“I love someone,” Keith finally blurts out.  

Shiro actually drops his fork. Keith glares at him as he watches the too-happy grin grow on Shiro’s face.

“That’s great! Who is it! Tell me about him!”

“Doesn’t matter. They are with someone else. Happily.”

“Oh. Well. Shit.”

“What do I do? It is a friend I am around all the time and I can’t deal with it.”

“Well, it is ok to feel sad or angry or hurt. This happens. And one day you will love someone who will love you back and it will be amazing…no, don’t deny it. Someday someone **will** love you back like you love them.”

Keith plays with his napkin.

“I need to cut this guy out of my life, right?”

Shiro sighs.

“I don’t think you have to cut the person off completely if you consider him a close friend. But, some space might be good. Just give yourself some time to get over him, ok?”

There is a moment of silence.

“I am happy for you anyway. My little Keith is growing up. I already have my shovel talk prepared for your first boyfriend.”

“Oh my god, never say anything like that ever again.”

Talking to Shiro makes Keith feel better though he wonders when it became so easy to open up to the other man.   

Though the talk does make him feel better, it does little to stop the freight train of feelings in his chest for Lance. The pain and jealousy (yes, jealousy, Keith can admit that) grow each moment he spends with Lance, with or without Nyma also being present.

He also cannot bring himself to believe Shiro’s words that someday someone would love him back like that. Even if he left Lance behind, wouldn’t it just be more loneliness or unrequited loves in the future?

One problem at a time, Keith tells himself as he slowly begins extracting himself from Lance’s path.

He stops replying to text messages unless they are direct questions of some sort like when Lance asked if homework had been assigned in a shared class. He stops showing up for Saturday fun nights that typically brought together as many friends as possible to blow off steam. He has excuses for why he can’t hang out with Lance alone.

He drifts toward Lotor who was never entirely a part of Lance’s group. Lotor is a safe choice. He had never seen Lotor and Lance hang out together alone so no chance of Lance randomly showing up along with Lotor. Lotor also has other friends not connected to Lance at all.

Keith finds himself occasionally hanging out with them. They are slightly older and there is not the same easygoing warmth in this group as with his other friends. There is less joking about memes and more discussing politics and other current events. Keith finds some peace with them though, away from the now pain-inducing Lance. It feels like home to Keith, being around people he knew didn’t care about him, making cordial conversation without connecting emotionally.

He tells his friends that nothing is wrong when they see less than him. He assures Pidge that he is just stressed out and studying a lot. He hangs out with Hunk one-on-one every once in awhile to assure the boy that everything is ok. He gives Lance the same lines as Pidge.

Everything seems stable for the moment though Keith sometimes feels like he is floating in a bubble that is bound to break one day. But, for now, he is holding it together.

It is natural now when Keith tells Lance, on a Thursday night, that he has a study session for Biology so he cannot come bowling with him. The lie slips out easily and Keith goes back to his real Thursday evening-drinking a few beers and watching Netflix by himself.

It is not long before he hears banging on his door though.

He opens the door to find Lance standing before him, frowning.

“You aren’t at a study session for Biology right now.”

“And you aren’t bowling.”

Lance sweeps into his apartment, side-stepping Keith’s attempt to block him with his body.

“You are watching Netflix. And drinking? You never used to drink.”

Keith briefly considers this fact-when did he start drinking regularly?  

 “The study session is later.”

Keith pleads internally for Lance to accept his lie.

“Why are you drinking then? You aren’t the “show up to study sessions drunk” type student”

“It’s one beer…”

“Two beers. I see them right there.”

Lance points at the beer bottles.  

“The study session was cancelled.”

“Then why did you lie about it? Why didn’t you come bowling?”

“Jesus, Lance. I am allowed to not want to do something.”

“But why lie? Why not just say you are tired or don’t feel good or don’t feel like it?”

“Because you wouldn’t accept those excuses.”

“I would! This isn’t the first time you have lied, either. Are you avoiding me?”

Keith curses his life. Why does Lance have to be so damned perceptive?

“I am not.”

“Are you sure? Did I do something? Are you mad at me?”

“I am not mad at you,” Keith says while thinking _I am mad at myself_.

“Everything is fine. I have just been…tired”

“Are you working yourself too hard? I know you take studying seriously, but you need to take care of yourself.”

_Stop caring about me so much_ , Keith’s inner voice begs.  

“Maybe you are right.”

It seems to calm Lance down. It is an excuse that Lance understands.  

“Dude, let us know how we can help.”

“I am just studying a lot and thinking about the future.”

“Well, you know you can always ask us for help or just talk to us right?”

“Right.”  

“Ok…hey, wanna come to a party?”

Keith stops himself just short of barking “no” in Lance’s face.

“What party?”

“Nyma’s parents are out of town. We are having a party at her house tomorrow. It will be fun. You can relax, let loose, we can catch up…”

Keith chances looking at the other boy directly for the first time in the conversation. Lance is basically doing the equivalent of puppy dog eyes. He is unbearably cute. Keith turns away quickly, acting like he is tidying the living room, groaning at his awkwardness.

“Ok.”

“Really?!” Lance does not hide his joy.

He leaves soon after giving Keith a time when he would be there to pick him up for the party on Friday.

Keith stands for a bit in his own dark living room after Lance leaves, clutching an accent pillow to his chest and looking at the closed door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter (Chapter 5) is when things start to get messy so heed the tags including some that haven't been relevant so far.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He clings to his drink, watching Lance and Nyma cuddle on the couch across from where he sat with two strangers. A desperate feeling bubbles in Keith’s stomach and he struggles to keep his hands from shaking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have added a few tags and this chapter includes drunk sex, an anxiety attack, and suicidal thoughts. Just a warning in case you missed or forgot about the tags. 
> 
> On another note, I am not sure why I felt compelled to write Lotor as a character here. I have never actually seen the original Voltron so all I know about him is that he is a creepy asshole from other fans summarizing him. I really hope he is in VLD Season 2 and they keep him as a creepy asshole. I mean, the fanfics alone would be worth it.

Coming to the party is not the brightest idea that Keith has ever had. He clings to his drink, watching Lance and Nyma cuddle on the couch across from where he sat with two strangers. A desperate feeling bubbles in Keith’s stomach and he struggles to keep his hands from shaking.

He knows he shouldn’t have come. There is no reason for him to be here. Sure, Lance had invited him, but so what. There is nothing for Keith here in this mass of happy college students. The quiet, desperate feeling inside of him grew in intensity. He feels nauseous. Pain that he thought he had long sealed away inside of him is gnawing to get out. He feels restless in his own skin.

He should have bailed when he saw Lance and Nyma snuggling in the car when he makes his way outside to greet them before the party. He should have bailed when he sat in the backseat like a third wheel to the warmth of the couple in the front seat. He should have bailed when Nyma put her arm around Lance’s waist as the three of them made their way inside the house. He should have bailed when Lance and Nyma ran off to flirt with each other, leaving him alone with strangers.

It’s stupid, Keith tells himself. It isn’t like he would ever have a chance with Lance anyway even if Nyma wasn’t around. He hates being human sometimes and having human desires. He hates the dreams he has of Lance holding him. He hates his heart for fluttering around him. He hates himself for not being stronger, for not nipping this in the bud.

He gets up abruptly, almost spilling his drink on the girl behind him, and all but runs outside.

The party is at Nyma’s parents’ house which is located just on the outskirts of the city where they go to college. The house is surrounded by woods and, just a short walk away, a river runs by their property. Nyma had told them before that sometimes her family fishes in the river. Keith can actually hear the river as he walks into the woods, stepping inside the treeline and clutching his stomach. His vision is going dark and he feels dizzy. His mind flits through rapid fire thoughts, slipping in and out as his panic increases.

_Breathe in. Breathe out._

_It is fine. You knew this would happen._

_It is ok to feel empty empty is safe_

_It hurts it hurts_

_Hurt isn’t empty_

_Why is it only me_

_Breathe_

_Why did I have to meet Lance?_

_It hurts_

_Why am I even here?_

_I want to go home_

_Where would you even consider home_

_It hurts_

_My apartment_

_Is that home?_

_I want to leave_

_I’m scared_

_Why was I even born?_

Keith leans over, unable to control his breathing, heart beating rapidly.

A more sinister thought worms its way into his mind.

_Why am I even here why am I even here why am I even here why am I even here why am I even here_

_You could just not be here._

_I want to leave I want to leave I want to leave I want to leave I want to leave I want to leave_

_Just leave then_

The sounds of the party are muffled now. It is very cold, some snow still on the ground, and Keith doesn’t have his jacket. There is a peaceful stillness here. He wonders how easy it would be to just walk into the dark night. Walk deep into the tranquil forest. Let the temperature get colder. He can hear the river calling to him, quietly. It would be so easy. Just walk in. Close your eyes. Let it take you away.

So easy.

Just one foot in front of the other. Walk away. The peaceful woods. The cold. The icy river.

Easy.

He straightens up, strangely calm now, and takes a step forward before,

“KEITH”

Someone yells out his name. Surprised, he jerks around, searching for the person who called his name.

“Lotor?”

“Hey, what are you doing out here? It is freezing!”

Keith turns toward the other boy who walks toward him quickly.  

“Are…are you crying?”

“No! I am just…”

Keith has no idea how to react. He never lets people see him like this.

“I am just drunk,” he finally finishes.

Lotor smiles.

“Yeah, they have some strong shit in there.” The boy walks closer to Keith and places a hand on his shoulder. Keith doesn’t shun the touch, for once. There is a moment of silence.

“Are you crying about Lance?”

Keith doesn’t answer, wondering if he is that easy to read.

Lotor pulls him into an awkward hug, rubbing his back.  

“You look so pretty right now.”

Keith goes stiff in the other boy’s arms. Lotor could have said almost anything else and Keith would have been less shocked.

“Uh…”

Lotor’s hands drop to Keith’s waist, pulling him even closer.

“You are seriously beautiful. Lance can’t take care of you like you deserve.”

Keith struggles to process the words as Lotor nuzzles his face in Keith’s hair.    

“I haven’t been able to think about anyone else all semester. I can make you feel good. I can take care of you.”

With this, he pulls back just a bit and licks Keith’s cheek where his tears had fallen.

Keith’s head is swimming. It is too many emotions in too short a time for someone like him. Having to love and lose Lance at the same time, giving in to a pull of darkness that he rarely entertained, and now, being hit on seems absurd.

But Lotor’s hands on him felt good. Because Keith may try to deny his human heart, but in the end that is all he is. A human who wants to be touched and loved and called pretty sometimes.

“Do you want to go somewhere more private?” Lotor whispers, putting his hand under Keith’s chin and tilting his head upward.

“Ok,” he says without thinking.

Lotor’s smile grows bigger as he grabs Keith by the hand, turns, and drags him back to the party.

Once inside the house, he pulls Keith toward the staircase.

As Keith allows himself to be led, he thinks he hears someone calling his name. He stops for a moment while Lotor pulls harder.

“Hey, I think a friend is calling for me.”

“I don’t hear anything.”

Lotor wraps his arm around Keith’s hips and pulls harder.

Keith looks back at the sea of people momentarily before climbing the stairs with Lotor.

He is surprised when Lotor takes him to Nyma’s parents’ room. It feels way too nice for someone like Keith. He remembers all the foster houses that strictly forbade him to ever enter the parents’ bedroom and anger becomes his next emotion of the night.

“Here,” Lotor says, handing him a bottle.

It is bourbon.

“Where did you even get this?”

“From her dad’s liquor stash in here. It is fine. He won’t find out.”

Keith already has a slight buzz going and he would normally avoid getting drunker, but he also usually avoided situations that would put him sitting on a King-sized bed with nice satin sheets and a cute boy too, so maybe it is a night to try new things.

Besides, he wouldn’t mind being numb right now.

He drinks straight from the bottle and hands it back to Lotor who does the same. They continue in silence for a short time.  

“So,” Lotor begins finally, “You are really, really hot.”

“Yeah, well, you have pretty hair.”

Lotor laughs, running his fingers through his long blonde hair before finally settling the bottle on the nightstand. He scootches closer to Keith, and kisses him.

Keith wills the alcohol to work faster. He is nervous. He has no idea what he is doing. But he wants to feel someone tonight. He doesn’t want to be alone.

When Lotor presses his tongue against his lips, he opens his mouth obediently and closes his eyes, feeling dizziness wash over him as the whiskey enters his bloodstream.

Everything moves fast after that. Lotor’s hands all over his body. Clothes coming off. The electrifying feeling of his flesh pressing against another’s. Lotor’s kisses make him feel drunker and Keith ebbs and flows out of awareness.

He half-sits up when he realizes that he is now completely naked, on his back, and Lotor’s fingers are in his ass.

“Wait…I am…”

“Shhhh. It is ok. I know you are. This will feel good, just trust me. You look so beautiful right now, I love you, I love you so much.”

Keith shudders at the words, both desiring them and not believing them, then debates pushing the other boy away from him. Things are moving too fast.

An unwanted flash of Lance and Nyma having sex somehow pops into his head though. He wants to vomit thinking about Lance doing these types of things with someone else, but instead he lays back down on the pillow. He can do this. He can put himself in someone else’s hands. He doesn’t need it to be Lance.

“Ok. It is ok,” he says, spreading his legs, dizzy with emotion and Maker’s Mark.

Pleasure follows pain as he leaves his virginity behind in a drunken tangle of sheets.

***********

 

When he comes to afterward, he finds himself alone in the bedroom. He is still completely naked, splayed out on the bed, feeling exposed. Thankfully, the sounds of the party still greet his ears. He is afraid for a moment that he had slept into the night, missing a ride home and awkwardly needing to do a walk of shame with Nyma in the house somewhere.

Keith stumbles out of the room after dressing, trying to find his legs. He cannot find his underwear, but thankfully everything else is laying on the floor. He is still drunk and now his ass hurts. His first few steps let him know that Lotor did not wear a condom as he feels something trickling down his leg.

He finds himself laughing so hard his stomach hurts.

_Jesus, what did you do. Jesus, Keith,_ he thinks to himself.

He blindly pushes through the crowd. He doesn’t see Lance and Nyma on the couch anymore and he prays, prays hard that he does not see them again tonight. Or possibly ever.

Once outside, he pulls out his phone.

**[Message Received]**

Lance: Dude I am thinking of leaving soon. Where are you?

Lance: Keith?

Lance: If I find you making out with someone in a corner we will kill you

Lance: Im kinda worried-did you get a ride home with someone else?

Lance: Nyma is staying here, but I need to get going. We are also taking Pidge home. Where are you?

The last message had only been a minute ago.

Please god if I have ever done anything to make you love me please don’t let me run into Lance right now, Keith prays to himself. He doesn’t respond and rather calls Uber.

Mercifully, his ride shows up and manages to pick him up before Keith sees anyone he knows.

**[Message Received]**

Lance: Ok, I am going to search some of the rooms. I better not see you banging someone in there.

Lance: Dude, this isn’t like you. Where are you?

Lance: Im worried

Lance: Keith?

Keith turns the sound off on his cellphone when he gets home. He curls up in a fetal position on his bed. He wants Lance to leave him alone. He wants Lance to stop caring. He wants his first time to have stuck around for longer than the time it took for him to come. He wants a do over. He wants to stop crying.

He doesn’t remember falling asleep.

In the morning, he is woken up by loud knocking on his door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sex PSA-Don't be Lotor, always wear a condom in these situations!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It isn’t a big deal. We are in college. I was drinking. This happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have the next few chapters sketched out and partially written, and let me tell you, it made me feel bad to write some of it. I don't know why I want Keith to suffer when I write Voltron fanfics. 
> 
> Back to work tomorrow so updates will also be a lot slower. Oh man, I loved Thanksgiving break-I wrote so much for this, for other fanfics, personal writing. You can get so much done when you don't have work! 
> 
> Thanks for anyone who is still reading this :)

Keith looks down at his phone before walking into the living room to open the front door. He has 78 missed messages and 15 missed calls. He quickly scrolls through the messages and sees that 76 of the messages and all of the calls are from Lance. The only stray two that aren’t from him are from Lotor, saying they needed to talk. _Well shit_ , Keith thinks to himself as he opens the door.

He isn’t entirely surprised to see Lance standing there with a worried look that quickly turns to an angry one.

“What the fuck, dude. What happened last night?”

“I…nothing happened.”

“You disappeared and no one could find you anywhere. You couldn’t answer one of my texts?”

By this time, Lance had walked into the apartment, ignoring Keith’s grimace as he did. He crosses his arms and glares at Keith.

“It isn’t a big deal. We are in college. I was drinking. This happens.”

“Not with you. Maybe other college students, but not you or us. You didn’t even drink until recently. You are also insanely responsible. Like, old man responsible sometimes. You don’t just disappear, Keith.”

“You aren’t my mom, Lance. I’m sorry I didn’t send you a text, but you are overreacting.”

Lance walks into the living room, throwing his hands in the air. His habit of talking with his hands always gets worse when he is upset.  

“Do you know how worried I was? I was imagining you like, dead somewhere or that you had wandered into the woods and gotten lost and hypothermia sets in faster if you have been drinking did you know that? I watched this show, maybe 60 Minutes, about how that happens, like, college students dying stupid ways when they are drinking. Then you left your jacket, we found it in the kitchen, and you love that jacket you wouldn’t leave without it so that made me think you were in the woods even more and no one could confirm seeing you or giving you a ride or anything. Seriously Nyma had to convince me not to call the cops right away and if you weren’t here this morning I would have called them. So help me god Keith I would have called them and…”

Lance pauses, suddenly looking at Keith a bit more closely.

“Are you limping…have you been crying?”

Keith turns away from him. He wants to give a smooth excuse and he has many believable ones at his disposal. He did drink too much. Drunk people fall sometimes. He could even admit to blacking out and then contritely promise Lance he would never drink that much again.

Instead, all that comes out is a broken-sounding “No” that sounds suspect even to Keith’s ears.

Lance is on him in a second, cupping his face and looking at him.

“Are you crying?” Lance looks aghast. Keith is not going to allow the amount of people who have seen him cry as an adult double in a 24-hour period so he wills himself to fight back the tears threatening to fall.

“I am not crying. I just drank too much and I’m hungover.”

“Did something happen?”

“No, nothing happened…stop looking at me like that”

“You know, you can tell me if it did. No judgment here.”

Keith walks over to his couch, sitting down and putting his head in his hands.

Lance sits beside him and waits. In the silence that follows, Keith can hear Lance’s phone vibrating.

“Why are you dressed so nicely right now?”

Lance seems surprised at the question, but it is true. He is wearing what Keith normally only sees guys wear to Church or special occasions. It isn’t typical Lance attire.

“I am going out to lunch with Nyma’s family today.”

“Ok, have fun.” Keith stands up, walking toward his bedroom.

“Wait, we aren’t done here.”

“Yes, we are. Nothing happened. Sorry I didn’t call or text that I got another ride home. Go have fun with your girlfriend.”

Anything Lance would have said next is interrupted by the front door popping open.

“Hey, Keith? The door was open a bit, it is kind of cold are you….”

Lotor stops abruptly when he sees Keith and Lance standing there. He is holding a big bouquet of red roses.

Keith looks at the ground and wishes he could disappear. He remembers that he still hasn’t washed Lotor off or out of him from the night before.

The mood that was just awkward turns icy in a split second. Lance smiles and says hi. Lotor reciprocates without the smile.

“Lance was just leaving,” Keith blurts out, deciding that, between the two, he really did need to talk to Lotor. It was somehow harder to be around Lance at the moment anyway.

“Yeah, I should get going. Keith, we will talk later, ok?”

As Lance walks out the door, Lotor watches him the entire time, an unreadable look on his face.

“Did he upset you?” he asks as soon as Lance is gone.

“What? No.”

“You look upset.”

“It isn’t Lance’s fault.”

Lotor’s face softens.

“I think you may be upset with me. But, hear me out. Last night, I didn’t mean to leave. I thought I could leave and come back before you woke up.”

“It’s fine.”

“Are you upset that we had sex?”

Keith considers the question. Ultimately, his answer is no. He never had grand illusions of losing his virginity in some romantic, loving way. He doesn’t really get why virginity is such a big deal anyway. He doesn’t feel fundamentally different now that he has had sex.

There is some part of him, deep inside, that keeps telling him that something isn’t quite right about what happened the night before though.

“No. It is just sex, right?” Keith settles on being nonchalant about it.

“I wouldn’t say **just** sex.” With this, he holds up the bouquet of roses.

“These are for you.”

Keith cannot stop himself from laughing. It would have never occurred to him, ever, that the flowers could be for him. No one has ever bought him flowers. He cannot imagine a world where anyone would buy him flowers, ever, only proven wrong by the earnest brown eyes looking at him and red roses now placed in his hands.

“What? Why would you buy me flowers?”

“It wasn’t just sex for me. I want you to be my boyfriend.”

Keith thinks he might be having a mental breakdown. He thinks he might have lost it somewhere and this is a hallucination of some sort. That, or he is still in Nyma’s parents’ bedroom, dreaming this in a whiskey nightmare.

“Why would anyone want to be my boyfriend?” He can’t help the words slipping from his mouth, cringing the second they do.

Lotor is hugging him now, pulling him close. Keith can lay his head on his shoulder. It doesn’t feel as good as Lance’s shoulder, but it isn’t bad either.

“Because I love you. Let me take care of you.”

Lotor pets his head and Keith leans into it.

Of all the epiphanies that Keith has had in the last few weeks, one is realizing just how lonely he is. He remembers how defiantly he had spurned the idea of love when younger. He didn’t need anyone. He would never need anyone.

They are words that hold little meaning now as Keith crumples under the weight of years of solitude.  What would it feel like, he asks himself, to have someone to sleep beside you at night, to have someone hug and kiss you, to have someone to call your own? And it feels good, so good to lean into Lotor’s chest. Lotor is muscular and broad. He feels strong and safe to Keith. 

He doesn’t feel the same way about Lotor as he does Lance. But, perhaps Lance is just a dream, a fantasy. Maybe love isn’t supposed to be like that. Maybe love can grow.

Keith can count the number of times he has been touched lovingly on one hand.  The feel of Lotor’s body on his is intoxicating and new. There is a desperate edge to his emotions now as his skin burns with the sensations of being held and petted.  

“Ok.” he finally says.

Lotor grips the back of his hair and pulls him into a kiss.

When they part, Keith tells him he needs a shower, desperately. He assumes Lotor will leave, but he sprawls out on the couch instead, saying he will wait.

In the shower, Keith revels at the heat of the water. He wasn’t lying when he told Lance he doesn’t feel good. His body hurts in multiple ways. He feels dirty.  

As he stands under the water, he thinks to himself. I have a boyfriend. I have a boyfriend and it doesn’t have to be Lance. I have an attractive, smart boyfriend who has already seen me naked and seen me cry. I have a boyfriend who brings me roses.

Keith is surprised by how happy it makes him to have a boyfriend of his own. He leans his head against the shower door. _Don’t screw this up_ , he thinks.

When he finally makes his way back into the living room, he is surprised to see Lotor with Keith’s laptop and phone in front of him on the coffee table.

Lotor turns toward him, smiling wide.

“So, you talk to Lance a lot, don’t you?”

“And who is Shiro?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was looking up how to pronounce the name Lotor (I was saying it like motor, but actually the emphasis is on the second syllable-so, more like Lo-TOR)   
> Anyway, this video from the 80s Voltron is amazing. Look at that fight sequence.   
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p19LhRblhrc


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith is fine with all of this as long as Lotor will continue playing with his hair every night. As long as he can revel in how good it feels to have a warm body beside him, one that is strong, one that, in the middle of the night, makes promises to protect and never leave him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to heed the tags! Almost nothing in this chapter can be considered healthy relationship behavior!

Keith spent much of his life alone and disconnected from the people around him. Many people do not understand what it is like to go through life without affection, without touch, going years without even a hug. Keith wouldn’t necessarily call himself an affectionate, touchy feely person, but Lance, and now Lotor, make him question his assessment of himself. He had thoroughly enjoyed, and later missed, Lance’s constant casual touching. Lotor is even more intense. He always seems to have a hand on Keith somewhere, a reassuring hand on his knee, a hug from behind, an arm around his waist. These touches reveal to Keith just how much he loves physical affection, physical reassurances of someone’s continued presence.  

He enjoys the touches, the weight of someone’s hands on him, the constant affection. Every touch seems to tell him, you aren’t alone. _You aren’t alone anymore._

It is why he doesn’t protest when Lotor all but moves in with him immediately following that faithful weekend with the party. Lotor’s toothbrush and toothpaste make their way into his bathroom, clothing appears in his closet, the default television channel changes to ESPN. Keith is fine with all of this as long as Lotor will continue playing with his hair every night. As long as he can revel in how good it feels to have a warm body beside him, one that is strong, one that, in the middle of the night, makes promises to protect and never leave him.

Keith allows himself to be swept away, basking in the attention Lotor gives him. It is intoxicating to be loved, to be cared for, even to have someone correct him. Sometimes Keith feels like no one has actually raised him in life, that he doesn’t understand some of the basics of being a human being and especially not one in a relationship. So, he follows Lotor’s guidance and they slip into a comfortable rhythm together.  He showers more frequently now and drinks more water. They go to bed earlier, together, and his normal diet changes, items that Lotor wants slowly replacing what he normally has in his fridge. Lotor tells him when he isn’t behaving correctly, guiding him how to be a good boyfriend, how to interact with others.

As a natural progression of being in a relationship, his time with Lance, Pidge, and the others wanes as he spends more time with Lotor and his friends. He becomes closer with people like Coba, Lotor’s strange blue-haired best friend, Merla, Coba’s sister, Kala, a martial arts expert, and Garrett, an up-and-coming lawyer. They are all similar to Lotor and it feels more natural to be a part of their group. His other friends seem to contact him less, especially Lance, but Keith figures they are all busy. Most of them are in relationships now and they are starting upper-level college courses. It happens.  

One day, as him and Lotor arrive at a restaurant, a familiar blue-eyed face pops into view.

“Keith, holy shit, it has been forever!” It is Lance, smiling, standing with Nyma and Hunk.

“We missed you!” Hunk says, squeezing Keith’s shoulder and smiling with genuine affection.  

“Hi guys,” Nyma greets him and Lotor.

There is no reason not to wait and then sit together, so Keith finds himself sliding into a chair at a table with Lotor. Hunk, Lance, and Nyma sit across the table.

Keith realizes how much easier this is now that he is not alone and pining after Lance. Who cares about Lance and Nyma feeding each other bites from the appetizer platter they order when he is practically in Lotor’s lap right now? Who cares that they walked to the table holding hands when he is holding Lotor’s right now?

They make random conversation, eventually settling on the subject matter of some college student who went missing at a nearby university and how the parents had accused the police of not doing enough.

“I don’t think it’s right that you have to wait 24 hours to report a missing person. What if they needed help right away and no one was looking for them until after a day passed?” Lotor says as the conversation slows down.

“I think that is just a misconception. I don’t think you _have_ to wait 24 hours,” Keith says, absent-mindedly as he eats a fried pickle from the appetizer platter.  

“Yes, you do. My cousin told me and he would know.”

“But…”

Lotor squeezes his hand.  

“I’m sorry, you are right. I was thinking of something else.”

Keith thinks he sees Hunk and Lance exchange a look.

The food arrives soon after that and Keith gets ready to dig into his favorite meal at this restaurant, which is basically a chicken breast slathered in cheese and sauce.

“You aren’t cutting your meat small enough,” Lotor says, grabbing Keith’s hand that held his knife.

“What?” Keith responds.

“Seriously, you could choke, you aren’t cutting it small enough.”

Lotor takes Keith’s plate away from him and begins cutting the chicken breast.

This time, Keith definitely doesn’t miss the look Lance and Hunk exchange.

“Keith is like, an adult and you don’t think he can cut his own chicken?” Lance says finally, voice sharper than usual.  

“Well, apparently not,” Lotor responds.

“I’m sorry.” Keith tries to defuse the situation, already recognizing the beginnings of an argument.

“Why are you apologizing right now?” Lance looks at him, a touch of sadness on his face.

Keith looks away and catches Lotor watching him carefully, still cutting the chicken.

“I just…it isn’t a big deal,” he finally responds, starting to become anxious at the sudden tense atmosphere over something as stupid as him not cutting his chicken well.

“I’m just saying…” Lance continues before being interrupted by Nyma.  

“I think it’s cute. Wouldn’t you cut my meat for me?”

“If you needed me to I guess I would…”

Lotor finally hands the plate back to Keith.

“Thanks,” Keith responds automatically.

“You’re welcome, babe.”

Lance is uncharacteristically quiet for the rest of the dinner.

***********

It is a few days later when Keith hears rushed footsteps behind him as he walks through a park after his Anthropology class.

“Keith. KEITH.”

He turns around to see Lance.

“Hey, can we talk?” the other boy says as he finally catches up.  

“Yeah, sure, I am just going to meet Lotor at the gym, we can walk together.”

“Keith, can we like, sit somewhere? Just for a few minutes.”

“Is it important?”

“Yes, yes it is.”

Keith agrees and they find an empty picnic table.

“So…” Keith begins, unsure what to expect.

“Don’t you think things are moving kind of fast with Lotor?”

“What?”

“You guys already live together and I literally never see you without him anymore.”

“Why does that even matter to you?”

“I just…I am worried.”

“Why would you be worried? You and Nyma are around each other all the time, aren’t you?”

“No, not really.”

“Yes you are!”

“Name the last time you went somewhere without Lotor, not counting the hour you just spent in Anthro, the only class you guys don’t have together.”

“I…I do stuff all the time without him.”

“When is the last time you spent any time with any of us without Lotor, like actually spent time, not just seeing each other in hallways waiting for classes to start?”

Keith genuinely cannot remember.

Keith dodges the question. “This is what happens in relationships. You spend a lot of time with the other person. Why is this even an issue?”

“You don’t answer my texts anymore and Pidge says you are blowing her off too…”

“That is a lie. You guys don’t really text me anymore. I haven’t gotten a text from you in weeks except for that time when we all met up for coffee.”

“What? Keith, I have texted you way more than that. You don’t answer.”

“I always answer you.”

Lance appears to be thinking, hard.

“Can I see your phone?”

“What, why would you want to see my phone?”

“Just humor me.”  

He considers and then refuses.

“There is nothing you need to see on my phone.”

“Don’t you think Lotor is a little possessive at times?” Lance says, frowning.

“He doesn’t do anything that you and Nyma don’t do. Is this because we are two guys?”

“I literally cannot believe you would say that to me. You know I am bi and not just in theory.”

“Well, I can’t think of any other reason you would be acting this way about our relationship.”

“Sometimes I don’t think he treats you right.”

There is a heavy silence here while Keith tries to process what has been said to him.

“Doesn’t treat me right? He treats me better than anyone ever has. He cares about me. Don’t you get that?”

“Keith…shit”

Keith stands up.

“I think Lotor…”

“Don’t. Just stop.” Keith gathers his belongings.  

Lance put his head in his hands.

“This isn’t coming out right. You know we all care about you though and we are here if you need to talk.”

“Whatever. I’ll keep it in mind”

With this, Keith gets up and walks away, leaving Lance behind.

**********

That night, Lotor and Keith lay in bed in uncomfortable silence. Keith doesn’t dare move, understanding that the boy beside him is angry.

 “Did you and Lance ever have sex?” Lotor finally breaks the silence.

“What? God, no. You know I was a virgin before you.”

“Did you want to have sex with him?”

Keith tenses, realizing that it was going to be one of those nights. He knows that Lotor won’t like the answer to that question, but he also knows that he should never lie to his boyfriend.

“I had a thing for him, but it was nothing. It never went anywhere.”

“But you do find him attractive? You once found him attractive so you still do, right?”

Keith tries to find the right words.

“You are the only person I want now.”

“That isn’t answering my question.”

“I am only attracted to you now.”

“I am being very understanding that you and Lance are even still friends. You know, usually you don’t keep contact with old flings like that when you are in a relationship.”

“Lance isn’t even an old fling. He is just a friend. He was always just a friend.”

“But you wanted him.”

Keith is frustrated. He doesn’t know how to answer to make Lotor relax, to stop his growing anger. He wishes he hadn’t told Lotor about his crush on Lance at all, but Lotor seemed to know anyway so he hadn’t seen the harm in being honest about it. When Keith and Lotor fight, the subject matter is either some mistake Keith has made, such as leaving wet towels on the floor, or Lance.  

“I’m sorry.”

Keith is also sorry that he told Lotor about Lance’s conversation with him earlier. He left out the worst parts, just saying that Lance thought Keith was pulling away from the friend group, but Lotor was angry for the rest of the day anyway.  

“I think Lance misses having you follow him around like a puppy dog all the time.”

“What?”

“You used to follow him around like you worshipped him. It was gross.”

“I…”

“I saw it. Don’t deny it.”

“I didn’t know any better.”

“You still followed him around even when he had Nyma. Isn’t that kind of pathetic?”

“Yeah. It was.”

Keith can’t disagree. He remembers the span of time where he had watched Lance and Nyma be happy together while he sat in the background, hurting. It was kind of pathetic. He is kind of pathetic.

“I’m sorry,” he says again.

Lotor pauses for a moment and Keith hopes they can just go to sleep now.  

“Come here.” Lotor rubs his hand on Keith’s chest before letting it rest lightly around his neck. “You have me now. Forget Lance. I am the only one who wants to take care of you. I won’t ever leave you.”

With this, Lotor reaches with his other hand, sticking it down Keith’s pants. Keith is relieved. Sex usually means the fight is over. 

Going from a virgin to someone who has sex regularly is one of many changes Keith accepts about being in a relationship. Keith is disappointed to find out that he doesn’t really like sex though. It always hurts, which he assumes comes from having a partner who is bigger.  

But what he does enjoy is being that close to someone. He enjoys how much Lotor seems to enjoy it. Lotor loves having sex with him, loves coming inside of him.

Keith wraps his arms tightly around his back as Lotor thrusts inside of him. Don’t leave me, he thinks, pushing his hips upward to meet Lotor’s, wincing a bit at the sensation. Don’t leave me alone.

After Lotor finishes, Keith runs to the bathroom to clean himself up. When he returns, Lotor is already asleep. Keith curls up beside him, going to sleep to the steady sounds of the breathing boy beside him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The names of Lotor's friends are actual Voltron names, but no villains are named anything normal in the series so these were the most normal. Coba is literally a mean cat that tries to eat the mice in the 80s Voltron.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith gropes for a light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably getting annoying, but heed the tags. 
> 
> Also, I am sorry.

“Are you seriously googling what an ethnography is? Keith, the paper is due in less than a week.”

“Get off my back, this class isn't a priority.”

Keith is sitting in the library with Pidge, working on a paper together since they both have the same professor. Or, rather Pidge is nearly finished while Keith is googling what the assignment is.

“This looks like he wants us to write a fucking book.”

“Read the paper prompt. We are doing a shorter version of a real ethnography.”

It is comfortable being there with Pidge. Keith is finding his relationship with his friends a bit difficult lately. Lance is complicated, Hunk has so many feelings sometimes, Shiro still acts like his therapist. Pidge just lets him be. There is less emotional baggage connected to her, allowing him some breathing room.

He doesn’t even notice her occasional side glances at him.

“You look tired lately,” She says nonchalantly.

“Are you trying to tell me I look like shit?”

“Well….ok, yes. Anything up?” She doesn’t look at him, still editing her paper.

“No. You know. Just the normal stuff.”

“School? Life? Man problems?” She stretches casually.

He looks at her now.

“Just studying a lot. Trying to figure out what I want to do after school. The normal.”

She nods.

“Well, you know you can always talk it out with me.” She makes direct eye contact with him here and Keith pauses for a moment before nodding in return.

Keith spends more time at the library over the next day or two, letting Lotor know that he is screwed when it comes to this final paper project. Lotor usually goes to the library with him, but a group project for another class keeps him busy elsewhere.   

Thursday is another one of those nights. Lotor is working elsewhere with a group and Keith struggles in the library alone. He finally has a paper topic and he considers that a stunning victory in his paper progress. That is half the battle when it comes to paper writing, right? While he is working, he receives a text.

**[Message Received]**

Pidge: Let me know if you want help. You know, with the ethnography or whatever. Call or text me or just drop by, any time.

He is walking back to his apartment, musing about how Pidge would be judging him right now and considering asking for help tomorrow when he feels a hand go over his eyes.

“Guess who!”

There is literally no way Keith would ever mistake the voice currently speaking just a bit too close to his ear.

“Uh, I have no idea, who is this?”

“Keith! It’s Lance.”

“Who? I am not sure I know a Lance…”

The taller boy finally lets his hand drop from Keith’s face and shoves him playfully.  

Keith turns around and smiles at him. He smiles wider when he sees Hunk standing there as well.

“Hey, we are going to get some food in the student center. Come with us!” Hunk says.

“I should be getting home.”

“You don’t have classes tomorrow, I know your schedule. Come on, we have stories! You should hear what this one professor did last week…” Lance says.

“Yeah, but I usually go home right now.”

“It is like, 10 and we are college students. Come eat gross burritos with us, man.” Hunk is giving puppy dog eyes which are perhaps even more effective than Lance’s.  

“Yeah, live a little!” Lance continues.  

Keith finally gives in, finding it difficult to say no to Lance and Hunk teaming up against him.  The trio make their way to the food court.

 

**********

 

“…And then she just left! Like, straight up walked out the classroom.”

Everyone laughs. They sit eating the soggy, sad burritos served in the student center. Lance had basically not stopped talking the entire time with Hunk adding to the story here and there.

Keith had forgotten what it feels like to spend time with them. This used to happen every day, he thinks. When they part for the night, Hunk makes sure to tell him not to be a stranger.

Keith walks home quickly, realizing it is later than he thought. He opens the front door to his apartment and steps into the living room. The apartment is completely dark. He is fumbling with his library books and backpack when he hears a sudden voice.

“So where have you been?”

Keith jumps and squints in the dark. He realizes that Lotor is sitting in the living room.

“Huh? What? What are you doing?”

Keith gropes for a light.

“You were supposed to be home by 10, maybe 1030. It is almost 1 now.”

“Oh, I saw…some friends. I must have gotten distracted.”

“Some friends?”

_Don’t ever lie to your boyfriend._

“Lance and Hunk.”

“Why didn’t you answer my texts?”

“I…I put my phone on silent when I was in the library. I always do. I’m sorry.”

“Are you sure it wasn’t just Lance?”

“I don’t know what you mean…”

“Are you sure you weren’t alone with Lance?”

Keith finally flips on the light and sees his tense boyfriend, who is now standing. His stomach drops.

“What? No, Hunk was there too. We went and got food.”

“I mean, how am I supposed to believe that? You disappear for hours not answering your phone with a guy you used to want to fuck.”

Keith winces, stepping backward.

“Look, I am sorry. I made a mistake. But, nothing has ever happened or will ever happen between me and Lance. I can’t believe you would even accuse me of that. I don’t cheat. I am not a slut.”

“Do I know that for sure? You sure spread your legs fast for me.”

“You know what? Fuck you.” Keith turns and walks away. Lotor follows, steps heavy and fast. Keith opens the front door and re-enters the cold night air. Lotor is close behind him, grabbing his arm, turning him around to face him again.

“I can’t believe you would even say that to me. Lance would never say something like that to m…” 

Compromise is a leisurely process. In slow steps, ones so subtle you may not even realize they are happening, you can slowly loosen your grip and give up on just about anything, from morals to beliefs about yourself that a previous version of you would consider the core of who you are. It doesn’t take much to move a “never” to a “maybe” to a “yes.” It is a creeping process, one that can have you looking at yourself one day and wondering who you are. Once those first compromises are made, bits and pieces of yourself slip away without you even realizing it until you are left a stranger in your own body.  

When Lotor’s hand smacks across his face, Keith’s first impulse is to deck him right back. It is something he has done many times before in his endless procession of foster families and group homes. He would never let anyone hurt him like this. Never. It is a promise he makes himself as a child when he became aware of his situation in life. His hand balls into a fist and twitches by his side.

Lotor immediately looks sorry. His face shifts into the one that Keith knows, the one that tells him he loves him, that cradles him in bed at night, that talks about their future together. “Shit, baby, god I didn’t mean to do that, I am so sorry…”

Keith doesn’t wait for an explanation. Instead, he runs. He makes his way to the park area on campus and, not caring how creepy it seems, hides himself in a patch of trees. It is dark and he prays no one sees him. He has nowhere to go. Lotor is at his (their?) apartment. There is nowhere else that he can be alone.

It is only when he looks down at his hands, wondering why he didn’t hit back, that he realizes he is crying.

Keith ignores the buzzing phone in his pocket and stares up at the moon for an undetermined amount of time. He feels numb, blank. There is something comforting about being in the chilly night air, watching the cold light of the moon.

He finally pulls out his phone and looks at his recent text messages.

**[Message Received]**

Lotor: Keith, I’m so sorry

Lotor: I have never done that before

Lotor: I love you, please come back so we can talk.

Lotor: I swear, I can’t live without you. Please come back. Please forgive me

Lotor: I love you, I’m worried, it is dark and late. Where are you?

Lotor: Keith, please. I am ashamed of myself. Please give me another chance.

Lotor: I love you so much you are my life. I just got scared that I was losing you.

Keith takes a shaky breath and scrolls through his very short contact list. He drifts his fingers over the 15 or so people he has saved, eyes scanning over the names- Pidge, Lotor, Shiro. His stomach aches when he reads Lance’s name. 

Then he stands up, begins walking back home, and his never becomes a maybe.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It happens fast. A life of occasionally getting hurt somehow becomes normal to him. Lying to concerned neighbors, lying to friends, lying to Shiro. Normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please see end notes  
> Also, if you are looking for the light at the end of this depressing tunnel it is coming soon.

Keith can’t tell if he is losing or gaining something by deciding to stay the course. After the first time Lotor hits him, he decides that it is worth it to hear him out. Lotor begs for forgiveness. He cries when Keith returns, hugs him, kisses the top of his head. It is the first time Keith sees him cry. He can’t let go of him. He believes he owes it to himself to make this work. The thought of leaving Lotor scares him. Where else can he go? Who else would take him? He feels like a stray dog who has found a home and, honestly, what is one hit?

There are a blissful couple of weeks where everything seems to have worked out. Lotor is everything Keith could ever want in a partner. He brings him small gifts. They go to movies. He takes him on a weekend trip. Keith feels lucky.

Then Lotor gets really drunk one night and it happens again. Keith doesn’t go further than the apartment complex’s picnic table area this time before going back.

Keith is committed, emotionally invested now. He stops questioning whether he should stay or go. He stops considering telling his friends. He stops counting the times Lotor hurts him. It happens fast. A life of occasionally getting hurt somehow becomes normal to him. Lying to concerned neighbors, lying to friends, lying to Shiro. Normal.

It wasn’t like he was in real danger, he tells himself. It is not like I am some petite girl. Guys punch each other sometimes.

It isn’t like he blames Lotor either. How often has he hated himself over the years? How often has he wanted to hurt himself? Why wouldn’t any of those feelings transfer to a partner? Keith doesn’t even like himself most of the time. How could he expect anything different from a loved one? Isn’t Lotor beating expectations just by staying with him and being great most of the time?   

He makes peace with himself. He tries harder. He works to soothe the anger that seems to lurk underneath Lotor’s skin. He learns how to make Lotor happy, how to calm him down. He struggles to be a good partner, to be worthy.

He lies to himself so much that he can no longer tell what part of him is lies and what part is truth anymore.

In this manner, time passes and Keith finds himself starting his final year of college with a black eye. A few classmates ask what happened and he says that it was a soccer accident since he sometimes plays Rec league soccer with Lotor and his friends. Just a random soccer ball hitting him the wrong way.

He, unfortunately, sees Pidge and Lance on the way to a class. He gives them the same excuse and it’s easy, easy and normal, to smile and joke with them about needing to pay more attention during games all the while simultaneously hoping they would, but also dreading they might dig any deeper.

They are distracted though and perhaps overlook how he doesn’t make eye contact with them or how withdrawn he seems. Everyone is fully into their major programs now. Some of them have internships. Some are already planning for life after college. They hang out less with one another. Texts and lunches become less frequent.  It makes sense that they have drifted away from each other. Keith gets it. Sometimes it scares him though, to think of leaving everyone behind, and he clings to Lotor even tighter at night.

Whenever too much time passes without contact, he always gets a text though. Hunk still occasionally gives him food, now determined to be a chef. Pidge likes to bounce ideas off Keith regarding their ideas for new apps. Lance will just say hi to him sometimes and ask to see him, which Keith mostly turns down now. He is grateful for the continued contact though.

It is an unseasonably hot day toward the end of August when he sees Hunk with Lance. Keith wants to go home, but Hunk begs him to drop by his apartment where he has made some sort of pie recipe that is supposed to, according to Lance, make you see the face of god. He can’t say no, so the three make their way across campus toward Hunk’s apartment, located just across the street from the main parking deck for students.

The heat is blistering. Lance talks a lot, as usual, and Keith is having trouble focusing on what he is saying. He wears a flannel shirt with long sleeves. He rarely shows his bare arms in public anymore.

As they enter the parking lot of Hunk’s apartment complex, Keith is somehow sweating too much and too little. He no longer hears Lance at all. He looks up at the sun, a sun so bright it hurts his eyes. There is a moment of dizziness and he stops. His vision tunnels. Lance says his name and he sounds very far away and, before Keith knows it, the world turns black.

When he wakes up, he is on the ground and Lance is propping him up. It takes Keith a moment to realize that he must have fainted. He looks up and sees viciously angry blue eyes. Keith tries to get his bearings. He realizes that he is in Hunk’s living room. He wonders how he got here. He doesn’t understand the anger in Lance’s face at this moment. He doesn’t think he has ever seen Lance this angry.

He slowly regains his senses, realizing that Lance is not only propping him up, but also has the back of his shirt pulled up, exposing his bare back. The flannel shirt is basically off of his body at this point, sleeves rolled up, unbuttoned so his chest and abdomen are exposed as well. Keith’s blood runs cold and he glances at Hunk standing a few feet away, a worried look on his face.  

Oh.

“Did Lotor do this?” Lance demands.

Keith doesn’t answer. He wonders how bad it really looks, the bruising across his ribs, on his back, the grip marks on his arms. Keith tries not to look at it even when he in the bathroom.

“Lance, calm down.” Hunk walks over, kneels beside them, and hands Keith a water bottle. “Here, drink some of this. You passed out. I carried you here. Do you feel better n…”

“Answer me. Why are you so bruised?” Lance interrupts Hunk’s question.  

“I fell,” Keith responds and it sounds unbelievable even to his ears.

“Some of those bruises are not from a fall. I swear to god.” Lance angrily turns away, running his fingers forcefully through his hair.

“Lance, stop. Shut up. Not right now,” Hunk warns him.

“That black eye. That black eye from a few weeks ago. Or that time you had your hand bandaged. Keith, oh my god, I am going to kill him. I am going to kill him with my bare hands.”

“No,” Keith yells. He staggers to his feet, wobbling. “Don’t…get involved. It doesn’t concern you.”

Lance stares at him like he just sprouted a second head.

“You are my friend and he is hurting you. How does that not concern me?”

“You guys…” Hunk tries to calm them down.

“It’s fine. Drop it.”

“How is this fine? Explain to me how I am supposed to think this is fine, Keith.”

“Guys…”

“I am going to kill him. I am going to strangle him with my bare hands.” Lance cracks his knuckles, fire in his eyes.

“Don’t say that.” Keith gropes for the words that will make everything ok again.

“You should want to kill him too.”

“I love him.”

There is a long moment of silence.

“You love him? You love someone who hurts you? What is wrong with you right now? Seriously Keith, you told me you used to beat people up if they were mean to you. How could you let someone do this to you?”

Lance walks over to him and the anger drains from his face when he sees Keith flinch away from him.

Keith sits, sliding his back down the far wall of the living room, and puts his face on his knees with his arms curled around them. He feels blown into a million little pieces, like he is scattering to the wind. Lance is right. Lotor is right. He is broken.

“Lance!” Hunk screams. Lance stops abruptly, being able to count the times that Hunk has yelled out of anger on one hand.

“Get out right now.”

“But I…”

“Do I sound like I am kidding? Get. Out.”

Keith hears Lance walk out of the apartment and shut the door.

“Keith…hey, can you drink some water? I know you probably feel shitty right now. You overheated and Lance was a dick. Water will help one of those issues.”

Keith hesitantly takes the bottle of water, lifting his head. The water is cool and feels great on his tongue.  

When he finishes, he turns his head toward Hunk.

“Don’t you have anything to say?”

“Just that I am here for you.”

At this, Keith begins crying, putting his face back into his knees.

“Can I hug you?” Hunk asks.

Keith nods and then feels large arms wrap around him. He cries until he can’t cry anymore, Hunk never pushes for more, just holds him and occasionally murmurs something comforting.

Keith finally starts to feel more like himself and briefly remembers when he used to have dignity as he pulls himself up to a standing position.

“I want to go home.”

“You know, you can stay here if you need to. I can even sleep on the couch and you can take my bedroom.”

Keith shakes his head, looking down at the ground.

“Ok, how about a piece of pie? You promised me you would try it. You can drink more water and then try the pie.”

Keith nods. He can at least do that.

A moment later, they are sitting eating pie that is pretty damned good. There is silence before Hunk begins speaking.

“Ok. I get that you don’t want to talk right now. But I consider you one of my best friends and I can’t just look the other way. I am worried about you. I won’t force you to do anything or even talk, but I can try to help. Can you at least tell me what is up? Or at least that you are ok?”

Keith puts his fork down and looks up at the ceiling. Is he ok? Is this ok? How can someone normal like Hunk understand someone like Keith? Where can he even begin?

He considers his options, considers what to say to the open and friendly man sitting across from him,  playing with the leftover pie with his fork, and panicking at the thought of leaving and staying with Lotor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, a few notes-There are some really unhealthy stereotypes about domestic abuse here (Keith making light of men being abused as a way to cope) and Lance, who I believe is well-meaning, does not respond well in this situation.   
> More info and some resources  
> http://www.dvrcv.org.au/  
> http://www.thehotline.org/


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is here that Keith begins to wake up from the fog that dulls his senses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter-Vomit (not graphic), suicidal thoughts, an animal gets hurt (the animal is fine though and read end notes :p ) 
> 
> So, I am not terribly happy with this chapter, but I really did not want to drag out Keith being with Lotor any longer. So, this is the transition chapter entering the second phase of this fic which will be healing, or putting Keith back together again. And, oh boy, I am excited about some of the stuff I have written/planned for that.

_It’s really more common than you think_

_We are both guys it happens_

_He is just passionate_

_I make him angry sometimes on purpose_

_He is a great guy 90% of the time._

_He really loves me_

Keith rattles off the excuses as Hunk listens, frowning. They had been talking for a few hours now, time slipping by as Hunk allows him to talk, sentences full of half-truths and excuses, but Hunk listens all the same.  

“Ok,” Hunk says finally, putting his hands behind his head and sighing. “There really is no excuse for hitting someone, ever.”

“That isn’t true. Wouldn’t you hit Hitler? Or whoever runs Isis? Or maybe Donald Trump?”

“Ok, so maybe there are exceptions, but…”

“It isn’t like I haven’t hit people before. Back in foster care, it happened, you know? Sometimes people deserve to be hit.”

“So what makes you think you deserve to be hit?”

Keith is silent.

“That’s not exactly what I meant. Just, sometimes people get in fights and sometimes it gets physical.”

“You say he loves you, right?”

“Yes, absolutely.”

“Do you hit him?”

Keith doesn’t respond.

“Would you ever hit someone you loved?”

Keith says nothing.

“Would you hit me if I made you mad?”

“God, no.”

“Would you hit Pidge?”

“Never.”

“Would you hit Lance?”

Keith cannot imagine hurting a single hair on Lance’s head, let alone putting a fist in his face.

“That is different.”

“Why?”

“It is different for me. I live in a different world from you guys.”

“How is your world different from mine and Lance’s and Pidge’s?”

He doesn’t know how to explain it in words that Hunk will understand. People who grew up with families, with love, with security. Sometimes they feel like a different species of person to Keith, who is always on the outside, always a bit out of the fold.

“You guys have so many people who love you, who have always loved you, who will always love you. You don’t know what it was like growing up as myself.”

“You are right. I don’t, at all. But I hope you know that you have people who love you and we want to help and none of us would ever hurt you like Lotor does.”

 _You wouldn’t hit me, but you would hurt me in other ways_ Keith wants to say, but he remains silent instead.

“I don’t want to leave him.” Keith feels light as a feather with nothing to anchor him, nothing to hold him down.

“Ok. We won’t…can’t force you to do anything. I am worried about what might happen to you though. Some of those bruises look really nasty.”

“I can handle it.”

“I know you can. But you don’t have to handle it alone.”

Hunk had steadily been ignoring text messages being sent to his phone, but Keith grabs his as soon as a message comes through.  

**[Message Received]**

Lotor: I hope your little boyfriend enjoys his new face

Keith’s blood runs cold.

“Hunk, check your phone.”

Hunk does and closes his eyes while taking a deep breath.

“Ok, Keith, don’t freak out, but I think Lance might have confronted Lotor.”

“Hunk…”

“He’s in the hospital.”

Keith makes a broken noise, jumping out of his chair.

“Which hospital? Where? We have to go.”

Keith imagines Lotor’s anger directed at someone other than him and feels sick to his stomach.

_**********_

“You are making a bigger deal out of this then you should. He got one lucky hit in. I have a broken nose. I probably didn’t even need to go to a doctor.”

Lance shrugs. “I mean, it’s fine, who cares?”

They are sitting in Lance’s room. The bruising and swelling have fully set in now, distorting the features Keith loves so much.

Keith cares. Keith cares deeply. He is sitting on the ground, tightly gripping his knees in an attempt to stop himself from doing something. He didn’t know what that something was, but his hands ache to do something.

He can’t stay long. Nyma is coming. But more importantly, he can’t stand being in the room with Lance right now. He can’t stand the idea of him being in pain or having to wait for swelling to go down to see if he might need cosmetic surgery. He can’t stand the idea of Lance’s perfect nose being damaged.

He especially can’t stand that it is all his fault. He caused this. He made Lance get hurt.

When he leaves Lance’s place, he goes to Hunk’s rather than home. Lance had told them not to come to the hospital so, instead, Keith had drafted and sent an email to Lotor while waiting for Lance to get done. In it, he explained what happened, reiterated that nothing had happened between him and Lance, and broke up with him. He asked Lotor to be out of his apartment by Monday. An email feels safe. No need to see him or hear his voice.

After he sends the email, he goes to the bathroom and vomits. Nothing comes up but bile and a few sad remnants of Hunk’s pie.

When he checks the apartment on Monday, almost everything of Lotor’s is gone except for a few reminders. A forgotten pair of shoes in the closet. Some food in the fridge that Keith doesn’t like. The hole in the wall in the bedroom where they had their last fight.

Pidge later tells him that she saw Lotor in-between classes and he had a black eye so at least Lance had gotten one good shot in. Keith knows he should be happy.  

This might be a happy ending in someone else’s life. If this were a movie, it would be the turning point. Keith would reestablish his old friendships. He would double down on his efforts at school. Perhaps, by the end, there would be a new man shyly making eye contact with him. He would level up as a human being, stronger than ever before, liberated and wise from his experiences. There would be a mildly inspirational 80s song building in the background.

But this isn’t a movie and Keith misses Lotor terribly. The bed feels so lonely, so cold without him there. How did he ever live alone? Keith thinks as he cries in bed, curled around a pillow more nights than not.

He feels alienated from his friends. They look at him with strange eyes now. How can they bullshit about funny pictures on the internet or make casual conversation about classes now? How can he join them for sushi lunches and laugh like he did before?

He can’t be around Lance, particularly. The guilt and shame threaten to choke him whenever he sees the other boy. He avoids sitting down with Lance, avoids having the conversation he knows Lance wants to have.

Lance eventually withdraws from Keith too. Their communication slowly dies. Sometimes he scrolls through the old conversations, wishing he could turn back time.  

He tells Shiro only some details, unwilling to verbalize exactly what has happened. He wants one person in his life who doesn’t know. One person who still thinks he has his shit together, at least a little bit.

Shiro is also a new dad so Keith can’t rely on him too much, not in the way he needs. He listens to Shiro describe being a father, describe his new baby girl, and his chest hurts. Keith is simultaneously happy for Shiro, envious of the love he knows the baby will receive, and hurting, desperately wanting that floating, loving sound in Shiro’s voice to be directed toward him, by anyone.

He never takes Lotor’s shoes out of the closet.

He begins living a bare minimum life. His grades drop to Cs. His contact with friends pares down to occasional contact with Hunk and Pidge.    

He is miserable and feels more alone than ever.

So, when Lotor shows up at his door, he opens it.

Lotor hands him a bunch of papers at first. It is paperwork indicating that he has been seeing a therapist. He admits that he has anger management issues. He sits on Keith’s (their) couch and shakily tells Keith about how his dad used to smack him around.

He tells Keith that he still loves him. That he always will.  

It is easy to fall into his arms again.

He is ashamed the next morning when he gets a text from Hunk while lying next to Lotor. He ignores the text.

It is a choice that all but loses him friends. The more casual ones have already slipped away. Pidge and Hunk keep contact, but they do not hang out anymore. Lance is gone and Keith doesn’t blame him.

Lotor graduates college that December and asks Keith to move with him for a job starting in January.

Keith says yes.

**********

 

They rent a little house near a historic downtown area near Atlanta. They have two bedrooms and a fireplace. Keith buys a little plant at the store and sets it on the kitchen counter. He can make this a home. He can make this his home.

*********

 

_Two years later_

Keith feels trapped, trapped in a little house with curtains that he helped pick out. Imprisoned in a way that he himself chose. _You chose this. You chose this. You chose Lotor._

And Lotor did not compromise when it came to what he expected from Keith. He gives up his cellphone for a new one on Lotor’s plan. For some reason that Keith later suspects is Lotor, the employee cannot transfer any of his contact numbers to his new phone.

They only have one car which Lotor uses most of the time. Somehow, Keith finds himself jobless. He looks, but Lotor tells him he makes enough for both of them.

Keith has no idea which exact choices he made along the way led to him being a stay-at-home boyfriend of sorts. And not a cherished one at that. Not a partner. Lotor leaves him home alone for long days and sometimes long nights. He comes home, drunk, sometimes angry, sometimes smelling like someone else.

When Keith sits at home alone, watching TV or baking, a new hobby he picks up, he thinks of college, of Lance, of Pidge and Hunk and Rolo and Nyma and Shiro. He aches to hear their voices again. He has fake conversations with them, imagining what they would be talking about. He wonders what they are doing. He imagines Hunk getting his own restaurant. He imagines Rolo becoming a teacher. He imagines Pidge going to some sort of graduate school and being the literal smartest person in the building, possibly even including the professors.

He imagines Shiro learning how to comb ponytails and singing Disney songs with his daughter, smiling back at Allura. Maybe a second child too. A son this time?

He imagines Lance and Nyma getting married. He imagines how beautiful their wedding would be. Or, rather, how beautiful Lance would be in formal clothing. Black, definitely black, maybe with blue accents of sorts. Just the type that would bring out his eyes. Maybe it happened right after college ended. Maybe they would travel for awhile, see the world. Or just a beach honeymoon. A summer off. Then, work. He doesn’t know where Lance would work. Perhaps, there, too, a child, because a child would happen eventually. Maybe they just found out. But it is a bit too soon for that. They are both still really young. Perhaps just a dog right now or a cat and a promise for later.  

It makes Keith feel better to imagine how wonderful his friends’ lives probably were. He wants them to be happy.   

Even if he did still have his old phone, even if he did call them, he wonders if they would even want to hear from him. What would he tell them? What would he have to show? A house. A rented house that he sat in every day, waiting for Lotor to come back. Lotor who, knowing he had won, wasn’t even trying anymore.

Keith resigns himself to his life. He makes dinner. He has sex with Lotor when he wants it. He moves through life like a zombie. He barely feels it when he is hit now. Days melt into one another.  

Every Saturday, they walk to a farmer’s market in the square nearby. It is Keith’s favorite day. He has an hour or two to pretend like everything is fine. Just doing normal boyfriend things with his boyfriend. A few hours outside the house, buying fresh fruits and vegetables.

It is here that Keith begins to wake up from the fog that dulls his senses.  

There was a dog on their normal route, maybe a stray, maybe just from one of the houses in that neighborhood. It is Atlanta and not everyone uses leashes or yards.

The dog is some sort of lab, but maybe a mutt of some sort. A bit smaller and slighter in build than a lab should be. Probably a mix. Keith had gotten in the habit of slipping the dog treats sometimes. It wags its tail at them and rubs its head into their hands, looking for pets.  

One morning, after a particularly bad day at work, Lotor kicks the dog as it approaches. The dog yelps and runs away. Keith freezes.

“Hey, come on, it’s fucking hot, I want to go home.”

Lotor continues to walk, like nothing happened.

The next Saturday, the dog comes up to them again, wagging its tail, looking for a treat.

Later that day, when Lotor is working in the other room, Keith sits on the couch and tries to pull into focus a thought bouncing around his head. It seems important.

_I’m the dog._

He finally grasps it.

_I’m the dog here. I am just like that dog. Lotor kicks me and I wag my tail for him._

Then, another thought, a moment later.

_I’m with someone who would kick a dog for no reason._

He feels disgusted. It is like a veil has been pulled from his eyes.

_Lotor doesn’t love me. He never did._

A memory emerges from nowhere, one that Keith hadn’t thought about in years. He is 10 years old and in a new foster home. The foster home had a lazy orange cat. Keith can’t remember its name. One of the other foster kids had grabbed the cat’s tail and pulled it, laughing when the cat screamed. Keith was furious, launching himself at the other boy, pinning him to the ground. The fight had only lasted for a minute or two before the other boy gave up. He made the other boy swear to never hurt the orange cat again.

_And I just watched him kick a dog and did nothing._

Keith puts his head in his hands and cries. When he finishes, he wipes his face and makes a decision.

His opportunity comes a few weeks after he watches Lotor kick the dog. Lotor has to go to a retreat with his company. It is one of the few that doesn’t allow spouses, not that he brought Keith to that type of stuff anyway. It is an overnight trip.

Lotor leaves early Friday morning and Keith considers his options. Keith knows he is leaving, one way or another. He has no car, no job, and no significant money of his own. So, he has two possibilities.

He can try to run. While reorganizing the closet a few months earlier, he found a box of random electronics. Mostly junk stuff, a few USB cords, an extra computer mouse. But, he also found Lotor’s old phone. The find does not seem significant at the time. However, later, while lying in bed contemplating his escape, he remembers that phone. He confirms it one day while Lotor is at work. Lotor’s old phone has all of their old friends’ numbers. It seems strange to Keith now that they had ever existed together, ever been a friend group. That they used to have study groups together. He remembers Lotor having casual conversations with them and it seems ludicrous.  

But, more importantly, he does have contact information for most of his friends. He could also call Shiro, no longer having his cell and Lotor not having it either, but able to find his office phone on the internet. He bets he can get Shiro to talk to him that way.

Or, he could try to find a shelter of some sort. He had enough money to get him a bus ticket possibly, maybe Greyhound. But he didn’t have anywhere to go.

And he isn’t sure any of those people would want to hear from him.

His second option was the handgun he knows Lotor keeps hidden in the nightstand by the bed.

Keith takes the gun out and his phone along with Lotor’s old one. He lays them all on the bed and tries to imagine his future.

Keith cannot imagine a future for himself. But he also cannot imagine holding that gun to his head.

So he takes his phone and dials a number.

No answer.

He dials it again. On the third ring, he finally hears a hello. He struggles to answer.

“Hi…hello…uhm…”

“Who is this? If it’s a telemarketer I want off your fucking list.”

“Uh…”

“Pidge?” he says as he hears the phone click in his hands.

His hands shake as he stares at the phone. It was harder than he imagined. That voice made him tremble with happiness. Nights at the library, study sessions over videochat, sharp wit and a rational mind, oh how he missed Pidge.

He can’t do this. He tells himself he can’t.

He is startled when the phone rings in his hands.

“Hello?” he says quietly.  

“Holy shit, is this Keith? Is that you?”

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“Oh my god. Keith, you have no idea how happy I am to hear from you.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. How…how are you?”

Keith pauses for a moment, considers backing out. Wonders if Pidge even wants to help someone like him, someone who cut off contact with everyone for someone who would kick a dog. Someone who would watch a dog get kicked.

But Keith can’t take the path of least resistance anymore.  

“I need help.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The dog is a stray who gets noticed by someone else at the farmer's market. She takes him home and he spends the rest of his life being spoiled rotten and cuddled.  
> Lazy orange cat is fine and lives a long happy life.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “My life is a complete mess. I am not sure where to even start and it feels hopeless,” he smiles broadly at Shiro as he says this.  
> “Ok, well, at least you are being honest.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the wonderful comments on the series/last chapter. Also, kudos and just plain old views. This is a really personal story for me and I am happy that you guys like it :)

Six hours later, Keith finds himself curled up on a plane with his belongings packed into one piece of luggage and his laptop bag, the same he used in college. As he watches the city grow small underneath the plane, he worries. He replays his conversation with Pidge in his head.

“I need help.”

“Ok…what do you need? Do you need a hospital right now?”

“No…not that type of help…I want to leave. I want to leave him.”

“Ok…how can I help?”

He is angry at his helplessness. He had always made it on his own, always been self-sufficient.

“Keith, let me help.”

And Keith knows it is his only option.

“I don’t have a car. I don’t have a place to go. I have some money saved up from…before. But I don’t have access to it.”

“Ok. When you say you don’t have access to it…”

He can hear clicking in the background.

“Lotor doesn’t know about it or at least doesn’t know how much is in there. But, I don’t have a debit card anymore.  It’s not a lot, but once I get to my bank I can figure it out. I can pay you back anything you spot me…”

“The money is literally the least of my concerns. I just wanted to make sure that you weren’t talking about a shared account or something. Ok, how much time do we have? There is a flight leaving in five hours.”

“A flight? What?”

“Yes, you are coming here.”

“Pidge…”

“You are coming home. Now answer my question.”

“He is at an overnight work thing. Five hours is fine.”

“Ok, what is your exact address? I am also going to order an uber for you.”

“How much is that going to cost because…”

“Keith, literally, the least of my concerns. Can you be ready in an hour? That is when I will schedule the uber.”

Keith had precious few belongings he would be taking with him. He was leaving everything he could, knowing that taking anything might mean more retaliation. He is tempted to take the stash of money he knows is in the sock drawer, but decides against it.

“What will I do when I get there?”

“I am going to pick you up and then I am going to take you home and you can rest. I am renting a house over on the South side. I actually have a guest bedroom if you ignore all my shit. I’ll clear off the bed.”

“I don’t want to impose…”

“Uber is booked. Will be there in an hour.”

“Wait, Pidge…”

“I am going to need some more info to book the flight though.”

“Pidge…”

“Keith, please. Let me do this. Get on that plane. I’ll be waiting for you when you get here.”

And so Keith boards the plane, desperately trying to figure out his life while 40,000 feet in the air. He ticks off all the obstacles he had stacked against himself. He never finished college. He hasn’t worked in three years. There is a two year gap in his work history not explained by being in school. The money he had saved would not last long in any type of rental situation. He runs through the list, over and over again, feeling overwhelmed. He can’t…won’t let himself be a burden to people he isn’t even sure he can call friends anymore. He shakily tries to control himself, ignoring a concerned look from the person seated beside him and hoping he doesn’t have a full blown panic attack.

As he enters the airport’s lobby area, he finds Pidge surprisingly fast. She looks almost exactly the same. Keith could even swear she is wearing an outfit she had before. It comforts him.

He doesn’t know how to act though. Pidge looks like she is going to hug him, but pulls herself back at the last moment, noting his stiff, closed off stance.

The drive home starts quiet.

“I can go to a bank tomorrow and find my own place,” he starts off.

“You can stay as long as you want. Can Hunk come over and visit?”

“Does he want to?”

“God yes. He wanted to go to the airport with me, but we didn’t want…you know. We didn’t want a pack of people there when you came.”

“I am surprised he wants to see me.”

“Why wouldn’t he?”

Keith is silent. Somehow, saying _I feel like I betrayed him and threw his kindness back in his face when I went back with Lotor_ didn’t seem like the right response.

“I made a lot of mistakes. I chose him over you guys,” He finally states.  

“No one thinks that way. We have missed you so much. Keith, really, you have no idea how worried we were, how happy we are that you are here.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologize for…I might though.”

“What do you mean?”

“I have been in contact with Shiro.”

Keith starts at the name.

“Shiro…what? How do you even have his information?”

“Remember a long time ago when we all met him at that homecoming thing? We exchanged information because he wanted to see some of the pictures we were taking.”

“Oh…”

“We filled him in on some of the stuff that happened with… _him_.” She says the word “him” like it is poison. “Please don’t be mad. We needed someone to talk to who knew you and was a real adult.”

“It is fine. I should have talked about it with him myself.”

“Anyway, he tried to get in contact with you a few times over the last few years, I am assuming it didn’t work. But you should call him.”

“I doubt he wants to talk to me now.”

“I have already texted him and he will probably break my door down tomorrow if you haven’t called him by then.”

Keith goes to bed that night, exhausted. Before going to the bedroom, he pulls Pidge into an awkward hug. She pats him on the back and holds on for a second. It feels right.  

Pidge is also not lying about the mess though. It looks like a computer exploded in what is supposed to be the guest bedroom. He has to move a keyboard out of the sink to brush his teeth.

Keith spends most of that night worrying, trying to quiet his mind enough to sleep. He thinks that maybe he screwed his life up too much. That he won’t make it. He worries about the disappointed looks from Shiro and Hunk that he assumes he will receive when they see what he has become.

He looks in the mirror before bed and barely recognizes himself, thinner than before, dead eyes, scarred in more ways than one. There is the temptation there, still lurking, telling him it would be easier just to give up. That he is a drain on everyone who considers him a friend. He searches for reasons to keep fighting before finally passing out for the night.  

He spends much of the next day curled up in bed. That afternoon, Pidge drops him off at Shiro’s house. He lingers in the front yard, nervous about what might happen when he sees his friend again. The house has an actual white picket fence and Keith smiles at how picturesque it looks. When Shiro opens the door, Keith feels like a teenager in trouble, looking down, searching for how he should be acting.

Shiro’s joy is obvious though. He puts his hand on Keith’s shoulder, smiling, and Keith wonders if this is what it means to care about someone unconditionally. Or what he has done to deserve it.  

Shiro explains that Allura, his wife, and his daughter are out, but that they would be back later. They enter his living room and sit on the couch together.

“So, Keith, how are you feeling?”

Keith smiles sadly. Some things never change and that includes Shiro acting like his therapist father figure. He even looks the part now with reading glasses and more white in his hair.

“My life is a complete mess. I am not sure where to even start and it feels hopeless,” he smiles broadly at Shiro as he says this.

“Ok, well, at least you are being honest.”

He hands Keith a sheet of paper and a pen.

“Write your top 5 concerns right now. Top 5 worries or things that need to change to get your life back on track.”

Keith thinks for a moment and then writes, only hesitating with #5 on his list. 

  1. Never finished college and not sure they will take me back
  2. No job
  3. No real skills that will make getting a job easy except maybe retail
  4. Need my own place, need money to afford rent
  5. What if he comes after me



He hands Shiro the list and then waits while Shiro reads it.

“Ok. I can help with some of this. Or at least help you get started. They will definitely take you back at school. I have worked with clients in similar situations. You have only been out for what, two years? Yeah, that will be fine. Now, job, a job…that is a hard one. I do not think you will have any issues finding some full-time work either in a factory or retail or an office somewhere. It won’t pay much, but remember, it is only temporary until you finish college. I can also help you with some resources.”

“These are legitimate, practical concerns Keith, but nothing you can’t overcome.” He takes his glasses off and sighs.

“Do you think that he is going to come after you to get you back or to hurt you?”

Keith immediately stiffens. He knows it is something he has to consider. He understands that Lotor thinks of him as a possession and wouldn’t like losing something that belongs to him. He feels in his bones that he is not free, not yet.

“Possibly both.”

Keith is used to Shiro being a mentor of sorts, not only to him, but for others as well. Even when he wasn’t a dad, he had the gentle, guiding father figure role down pat, full of inspirational quotes, hands on shoulders, and encouragement. It is something that Keith initially resents, all those years ago, but comes to respect.

This is possibly Keith’s first time, however, seeing the other side of Shiro’s dad demeanor, the protective side. Shiro looks angry, his eyes narrowed, his prosthetic hand clenched in a fist. Keith has always thought that Shiro’s prosthetic arm is cool-looking, but it also looks like something that could crush a skull. A chill runs through Keith and he thinks he would not want to be on the receiving end of Shiro’s anger.

“There are two sides to this, Keith, and I want you to keep an open mind about both. Ok? You don’t have to do anything today, but keep an open mind. The first…have you considered going to the police?”

“No, I would never…I couldn’t.”

“I understand your reservations, I do. And they are valid. But, if he is going to come after you, I think it would help to have some sort of record in place. Even just a report.”

Keith winces and shakes his head.

“Just keep it in mind as a possibility.”

“There is another issue though that I want you to think about. Are you afraid you will choose to go back with him?”

Keith considers his question. He feels done with Lotor. He doesn’t even love him anymore. But, he had felt the same when they initially broke up too. If Lotor shows up at his door again, full of apologies and promises, how would he react?

“I think you need to see a therapist. I know you hate the idea…”

“Plus I could never afford that.”

“There are resources. Remember which field I work in. There are sliding scales and other resources.”

“Other people need it more.”

“That doesn’t mean you don’t need it. Keith, there is a reason you are afraid you will go back with him. You are a strong person, but your life hasn’t been easy. It is ok to need help and to accept it, from professionals…from your friends.”

Keith hangs his head.  

“Just consider it.”

It is at this moment that they hear the front door open. Allura stands there, looking every bit as beautiful as Keith remembers. They make an absurdly attractive couple, Keith thinks.  She is holding a sleeping child in her arms.

“Keith! It is so good to see you!” She smiles at him so genuinely that Keith almost feels confused.  

“Takashi has told me so much about you. He says you are basically like a little brother to him. He was so excited to hear from you again after you lost touch.” The child in her arms stirs, looking up sleepily at them. She has a mop of dark hair, like Shiro’s, but the brilliant blue eyes of her mother. Keith isn’t exactly an expert when it comes to children, but she is quite adorable.

“Keith, this is my daughter, Catriona.” Shiro says, beaming proudly. 

“Hi, there, Catriona,” he says awkwardly. It wasn’t that there were never small kids during his days in foster care and group homes, but it had been years since he interacted with one.  

“Catriona, this is Keith…Uncle Keith.” Shiro winks at him.

Catriona looks him up and down, and reaches her hand out. Keith leans closer and instinctively reaches out his own hand, assuming she wants to shake it. She bypasses his hand, grips firmly onto his bangs, and says, “Keef!”

A warm feeling spreads through Keith’s chest as Shiro and Allura laugh.

They all sit together in the living room for a few minutes, _Beauty and the Beast_ thrown on the TV for Catriona and freshly made tea offered up by Allura. They make careful conversation. Keith immediately likes Allura and feels relieved when he does. They make a great couple and he doesn’t miss how warm and affectionate they seem with one another.  

After a certain point, Allura and Shiro excuse themselves, saying they need to get dinner started.

Keith watches them leave and then realizes that Catriona is staring at him.  

“Sit here,” she says, patting the ground.

“What?”

“Sit down. You need to comb your hair.”

Keith obeys, because what else can you do when a little girl tells you that you need to comb your hair? She begins brushing his hair. Keith takes it and tries not to get too invested in the movie. Part of him finds himself singing along with the music while the other part can’t stop picking apart the logic of the movie. As Catriona clips a barrette in his hair, he wonders why the Beast is being such a dick if there is a curse to break and tries to figure out the math of how long the castle has been under the curse.

He is roused from his thoughts when he hears a gasp and sees a flash out of the corner of his eye.

He looks and sees Allura and Shiro in the doorway, hands over their mouths, Shiro snapping a photo.

“If you show that to anyone, I might literally kill you,” Keith hisses, somewhat forgetting that Catriona can hear him. Shiro laughs and the last thing they do before Pidge shows up is sign Keith up for a Facebook account.

They arrive back at Pidge’s place. It has been a long day and part of Keith just wants to go to bed, but these feelings dispel the moment the doorbell rings and Hunk is there. Hunk immediately gives him a hug, lifting him partially off the ground even. Part of Keith bristles, but part of him also feels safe in Hunk’s arms.  

They sit in the living room, talking and eating food Hunk brought that is so good Keith thinks he might actually die.

He learns more about Pidge being in graduate school and, like he had predicted, she is probably the smartest person there. She actually has some sort of lab assistant job and deal that lets her live fairly comfortably while finishing school.

Hunk is married and a personal chef. His eyes glow when talking about his wife, Shay, and how much he likes his job. Keith feels a stab of sadness that he was not at the wedding.

The conversation begins to set Keith at ease though. This feels normal, like a normal life is within reach. Though a lot had happened, Pidge and Hunk are still Pidge and Hunk, and they both seem genuinely happy, in their own ways, that he is there. The conversation carefully dances around serious subject matters though, for which Keith is grateful. He needs an hour or two of normalcy, to feel like a person again. Everyone avoids mentioning anyone whose name starts with an L. Lotor makes sense, but Keith finds them dancing around the other important L in his life to be curious. He can’t imagine that they have lost touch with him. He wants to ask, but isn’t sure he could take the answer right now. He briefly imagines them telling him that he is married with twins on the way or something and quickly throws himself into asking questions about everything else in their lives.  

It is when he is alone again that night that he begins trying to sort through his emotions. Keith is thrilled for his friends, but there are also pangs of regret there as well. Everyone seems married, happy, on their way, and he is just praying he can find some sort of job that will allow him to survive and won’t be soul destroying.

He feels left behind, but that isn’t quite right. He isn’t left behind so much as feeling like the one damaged friend who can’t get his shit together. The one friend who has to remain quiet while everyone else talks about their amazing lives. But, he isn’t jealous, really. They all deserve their amazing lives while he deserves the results of his bad decisions.

There is regret, but Keith also starts to feel a bit of a familiar fire in his chest. Keith is a survivor if nothing else and that is what he is going to do now-survive. Somewhere along the way in the hazy nightmare that has been the last few years of his life, he has forgotten that the world is a dark and hard place. He has forgotten what it feels like to have to battle, to struggle for everything. He can claw his way back though. And, this time, he isn’t even doing it alone.

He allows himself to accept that Shiro, Pidge, and Hunk are there for him.  

Keith scrolls through Facebook later, easily finding the picture of him and Catriona since he only has two friends, Allura and Shiro. The picture is pretty damn cute, Keith can admit, and they already have 27 likes. He can’t help but smile at the serious look on Catriona’s face as she attempted to tame his hair, the pink and purple barrette holding one side of his bangs back. Someone named Alfor laughs about Catriona finding a new model. Someone else named Coran has already friend requested him. Keith likes the picture, accepts Coran’s friend request, and then takes a shower.

When he returns, he opens facebook again and sees that he has one notification. He clicks on it and sees that Lance Alvarez has liked the photo with Catriona.

Keith swallows hard and his heart feels like it is pounding out of his chest. He smiles to himself. Even now, Lance can make his heart race.

_Because Lance has always been special, hasn’t he?_

While he is staring down at the phone, he gets a new notification-a friend request from Lance.  Keith lets out a jagged breath. For some reason, this is the turning point for Keith.

The weight of the entire situation, the last 24 hours, suddenly hits him at once. Parts of the last 24 hours have felt unreal, like they were a dream, like he would wake up to Lotor tomorrow and realize that none of it had really happened. He feels like he has been on the outside watching himself reunite with everyone, make polite conversation, settle into Pidge’s guest bedroom. This detached state helps him manage, but that crumbles at this moment.

His head is spinning from the rapid changes. He is scared, scared to restart his life, scared he will screw everything up again.  

But, he is also happy. He has friends, actual friends, people who are still trying to help him after he abandoned them for years. He is hit by a tidal wave of emotions and he realizes, with bone-chilling clarity, just how much he has missed them these last few years. Pidge, Hunk, Shiro. His friends.   

And Lance. Lance, alive and well and requesting him on Facebook with a selfie for a profile pic, showing off his big, dumb smile that Keith loves so much. He feels a rush of gratitude and love that leaves him breathless. He is a mess. But he is a mess with friends who care about him.

He clicks the accept button, pops open the messenger, sends a simple “hi” to Lance. Then, he finds a notepad squirreled away under a knot of wires on Pidge’s desk, and begins planning.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They use facebook in this chapter and I feel like almost no one has facebook anymore, but for some reason it is the only place I see people post tons of kid pictures now. I have all forms of social media pretty much, but facebook is the "see pictures of kids" place so it is the only place I can imagine Shiro and Allura posting tons of pictures of Catriona lol. I don't really see Lance on facebook, but, maybe not-like, I basically use facebook to keep in contact with older relatives and see pictures of all the kids in my life (friend's kids or my nephews) and I feel like Lance would be the same way. Like, not his favorite form of social media, but likes to see his nieces and nephews and talk to his aunts and uncles who have no idea what a twitter is.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning sirens go off in Keith’s head as some part of him tries to pull back, realizing that he is being too honest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery is a journey with ups and downs, etc, some of the tags come into play again in this chapter.

 

Keith discovers that becoming friends with Lance again is just as easy as becoming friends with him for the first time. They exchange phone numbers and easily fall into texting like nothing had ever happened.  

His life has always been brighter with Lance in it and this is no exception. He shelves the darker feelings inside him at the moment, the ones that are ashamed, the ones that tell him that he isn’t worthy of the love and kindness any of these people are showing him. For right now, he just wants to see Lance again. So, they make plans to hang out at Pidge’s on Friday.  

Friday comes sooner than expected and Pidge and him have a night of pizza and crappy TV planned. When there is a knock at the door, Keith’s heart stutters in his chest, feeling nervous all of a sudden.  Pidge opens the door, giving Lance a quick hug before stepping aside, allowing Keith to make eye contact with Lance for the first time in years. There is a moment of silence, not necessarily awkward, but there is a distance between them now. It has been a few years and they did not leave each other on great terms. Not bad terms, but they never really discussed what happened. In some ways, Keith doesn’t really know the man that stands before him now.

Keith starts to hold his hand out to shake Lance’s when Lance steps forward and wraps his arms around him. He stiffens for a moment, but then relaxes into the hug.

“I missed you so much,” Lance whispers into his ear.

“Same here,” Keith says back. The hug extends past normal hug length and Keith is vaguely aware that Pidge is awkwardly standing there, trying to give them a moment while appearing absorbed with a picture hanging on her wall.

“I can’t believe it…I seriously cannot believe…that you still have a mullet, dude.”

Keith stiffens again and then punches Lance in the shoulder, grinning. The ice is broken though and Keith realizes that Lance is still Lance.

They begin to make their way to the couch when Pidge interrupts them.  

“Uh, oh…wait guys. I made a mistake. I totally forgot that I am supposed to meet my friend tonight.”

“Your friend?” Keith says.

“Yeah, uh, my friend. I forgot. So I have to go.”

“Which friend.” Keith narrows his eyes.

“Uh, John.”

“John? Really Pidge?”   

“Sorry. We will have to get together later. You two have fun though. Bye!” As Pidge basically runs out the door, Keith sees her stare down Lance for a moment before shutting the door.   

Keith groans at Pidge’s obvious lie and wonders if Lance requested to be alone with him tonight and why Pidge is acting a little strange about Lance.

He then turns to face Lance, taking in what the other man has become. His face is a bit less boyish now and he also seems filled out in other ways. Keith is a bit bitter to notice that he looks like he had been lifting weights and Keith feels self-conscious about his own body. It isn’t like Keith really cares or is that vain, but he remembers his college body when he used to work out all the time compared to his softness now. A streak of his old competitiveness flares up. Where does Lance get off being a muscular Adonis? Keith mentally adds “find a gym” to his checklist of things to do to get his life back together.

Lance’s skin also seems more tan to Keith, still just as beautiful, shown off by a white button down shirt that maybe had one button too many undone at the top.

Lance’s kind eyes and genuine smile had not changed though.

“So…”

“So.”

Keith realizes that he is probably the reason this is awkward. He can imagine that Lance is dancing around acceptable subject matters. Can you really ask someone whose life is a complete mess how they are doing? Ask them about their abusive ex-boyfriend? Make small talk about the scars on their forearms?

“Tell me what you have been up to for the last few years.” Keith begins with a safe topic. He would rather Lance talk about himself right now.

“Well, I graduated, but I guess you know that. I worked up until a few months ago for Nyma’s dad’s company. I enjoyed it. But, it didn’t work out and then I went traveling for a few months. I figured why not travel since I am still young.”

“Where did you go?”

“Started off in Jamaica, somehow ended up in Curacao. Then, my sister was determined to visit Costa Rica so we went there together. I guess I should have done less touristy places, but I just needed some beaches and music and good food.”

“Sounds amazing actually.”

“It was. I mean, someday I want to be one of those rich people who has a beach house somewhere beautiful. That would be amazing. Just walk outside and be on the beach.”

“Did Nyma go with you?”

There is a brief pause.

“Nah, we broke up.”

“Oh.” Keith tries not to look surprised. “What happened?”

Keith regrets his question, unsure if this is too personal.

“You don’t have to answer that, none of my business.”

“It’s ok. Nothing really happened? I mean, it’s not like either of us cheated or anything major like that. I think that once we got out of college our relationship didn’t work anymore. Like, it is easy when you have the same classes and the same friends and go to parties every weekend. But, you get out in the real world and start developing different hobbies and worrying about 401Ks and insurance and the economy and shit. We just realized that what we had no longer worked.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“I actually suggested having a baby to make it work. I mean, I basically dated Nyma for a quarter of my life and I didn’t want to let that go. Can you imagine what a disaster that would have been? If it wasn’t working with us alone, a baby would have made things even worse.”

“You will make a great dad one day though.”

Lance smiles at this.

“So will you, if you want it. Catriona seems to love you.”

Keith grins.  He isn’t sure why, but Shiro’s daughter did seem to love him. He doesn’t see Shiro anymore without being pulled into coloring with Cat or doing a mini-dance party or something. His facebook life is almost entirely made up of pictures of him and her together on Shiro and Allura’s pages.  

“But it has to be with the right person either way and I don’t think Nyma was for me. I mean, we were basically like roommates who barely liked each other toward the end. We didn’t have sex for so long I basically became a virgin again.”

“That isn’t how it works.”

“A virgin, Keith. At one point, on the train to get to work, I met this cute guy. I would never cheat, but he flirted with me, asked me out, and I realized how much I missed being with someone who wants to be with me. I am needy, Keith. I need someone who is going to hug me and hold me and shit. When I briefly considered taking his number, I knew it was over over. Like, if I am even considering that, then it means things are over because that isn’t me. And I think Nyma knew that too. She probably knew it before I did.”

“You tried. There will be others.”

“Sorry for dropping all this on you. I am making this all about me aren’t I? I left for Jamaica shortly after we broke up and just got back home a few days ago. So, it still feels kinda fresh, you know?”

“I understand.”

“You are probably happy, aren’t you?”

Keith blinks, unsure how to navigate this question.

“Happy? That you and Nyma broke up?” He almost asks why Lance thinks he would be happy, but realizes with gripping embarrassment that maybe his crush on Lance was not exactly as hidden as he assumed. However, the assumption that their break-up would make him happy hurt him. He wanted Lance to be happy, had dreamed of Lance’s happy life with Nyma. There is no pleasure for him in seeing his friend lonely or single. “No I am not happy. I am actually a little offended you would think that. I want you to be happy. Sometimes I think I want your happiness even over mine.”

Keith cringes as soon as the words are out of his mouth. He spent almost his entire life and particularly the last few years closed off, not emoting, holding back his emotions and what he really thought and felt. He carefully weighed every word, calculating their effect, and usually found it easier and safer to conceal his true feelings.

Since leaving Lotor, he feels dangerous and loose though. Like a faucet has been turned on and he can’t turn it off. Like all the emotions want out at once. Like he is being punished by being forced to feel everything at once with no filter or reprieve.

He had admitted to Shiro that he wishes Shiro was his real dad. Shiro took it gracefully, but Keith wanted to die. He had cried in front of Pidge twice in the last week, once telling her he loved her and he did, he was eternally grateful for her. But, still. He had actually asked Hunk for a hug the other day, an unthinkable request at any other point in his life.

He doesn’t feel in control. He vomits his emotions at people now, not enjoying it, but incapable of holding back.

Lance’s eyes widen just a bit. He scootches a bit closer on the couch.

“Hey Keith. We are adults now, right? We can be honest with one another?”

Keith nods, fighting down a bit of panic rising in his stomach.

“Did you like me back in college?”

Keith laughs and, for a moment, Lance pulls away from him, mouth a hard line.

“Jesus, yes. Yes, I liked you a lot.”

“Oh…I mean, I kind of knew, but I didn’t want to make assumptions…”

“I loved you. At least I think I did. I’m not sure I know what love really is. It’s all mixed up. How can I really know what love is when no one has ever loved me? But I think I loved you.”

Warning sirens go off in Keith’s head as some part of him tries to pull back, realizing that he is being too honest.  

“Dude…”

“Sorry. That was too much wasn’t it?”

“No. No, it’s fine. And you have people who love you know. You know that right?”

Keith nods.

“I was always afraid…I worried you know? That I somehow drove you to Lotor.” Lance won’t look him in the eye.

“What? No. Why would you think that?”

“I feel like me dating Nyma made you end up with Lotor instead of…”

“Instead of endlessly pining after you?”

“Keith, dude. Jesus. No, but like, maybe it could have worked out differently. Or if I had talked to you more. We never even really talked about it and when we did I was an ass.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Then, toward the end there, when I knew what Lotor was doing, it was so confusing. I didn’t know what to do or how to help. Then everything was busy and we had somehow lost touch and then your phone number was no longer in service. I should have done better for you.”

“Lance, stop. None of it was your fault. It was all me. I made those decisions.”

“It was Lotor.”

“It was him, but it was also me. I let him manipulate me.”  

“It wasn’t your fault. He is the one to blame. Abusers are good at finding people they can hurt, unfortunately. I’m sorry I didn’t do more for you.”

“It’s ok. Really, there is only so much you can do, right?”

“Maybe. Do you ever wish we had dated instead of getting with Nyma and Lotor? I think if you had gone home with me for Thanksgiving that one time we would have.”

Keith snorts.

“Would you really give up the years you had with Nyma though? I am sure you don’t regret them even if you didn’t work out. You loved her and a part of you always will. She is part of your journey, right? I know you, Lance.” Keith feels strange, airy, and unsuccessfully tries to shut up. “Plus, us dating would have been a disaster.”

Lance looks at him peculiarly. “Why?”

“I’m messed up. There is something messed up in me. I am not sure I even know what a healthy relationship looks like. Plus, come on. It would have been like a bridge troll dating an angel or something.”

 _Shut up Keith, shut up_ a voice distantly tells him.

“Wait, what? Who is the bridge troll in that comparison?”

“Me, of course.”

“So that makes me the angel? ME?”

“You are a special person, Lance.”

“So are you. You have to understand that you are too.”

Keith wonders how a light conversation about Lance’s travels turned into this. He knows he needs to stop, but a tsunami of feelings pour from some hidden spot deep inside him and he can’t stop himself. The words tumble out of his mouth, a desperate edge to his tone.  

“That’s just how kind you are though. You think everyone is special. You think everyone is worth being loved and respected, at least until proven otherwise. I respect that so much in you. Like you see the world through eyes I can’t imagine. You see me through eyes I can’t imagine.”

He is afraid to look up, worried what face Lance might be making right now. Lance eases closer to Keith, taking his hand.

“What else did you love about me.”

Keith closes his eyes. The floodgates are open.

Why did he love Lance? Smart, funny, attractive, yes. But that could describe a number of people in his life. What made Lance special? He imagines the boy he met in Comp class all those years ago, his easy smile, his gentle touch.

“You are perceptive and use that to help people rather than hurt them. Like, you picked up on the fact that I am a weirdo, right? But you worked with me. And it wasn’t just me. Like, you know that when Pidge gets overwhelmed or focused working on something that she doesn’t want to be spoken to, but she does occasionally forget to get a drink or coffee or food so you bring it to her and understand that when she doesn’t thank you, at least not right away, that it doesn’t mean she isn’t grateful.”

“And you know when you don’t know some piece of information and sometimes people jump to the worst conclusion? You don’t do that. Like, when that one professor was late and canceled class a lot and everyone was gossiping about her drinking too much or hating her job. You never made any assumptions like that and then it turned out that she had cancer and we all felt like asses, but you didn’t because you never jumped to the worst conclusion to begin with. Like, literally every person in that class was a piece of shit except for you.”

“Keith…”

“I love how ridiculous you are too. Like, I don’t get half your jokes but I still think they are funny and sometimes it doesn’t matter what you are saying, I just want to hear your voice.”

 _Keith, holy shit_ , he thinks to himself. _Shut up shut up shut up_.  

Lance’s eyes were wide, mouth partially open, and Keith closes his eyes again, feeling more words falling out of his mouth.  

“I usually dislike people like you, you know. Social, popular, talkative, extrovert. But you are different. Like, maybe there is something to someone who can go into a room and make everyone feel at ease and comfortable and connected and wanted, even a freak like me. It’s like you have a light and people respond to that, they want…”

Keith is interrupted by Lance’s lips on his own. He is surprised and doesn’t react until Lance puts his hand behind his head, tilting it upward, tongue flickering against his lips encouragingly. Keith submits, kissing back, shuddering at the sudden contact. Lance pulls him close and Keith puts his hand on his chest, feeling Lance’s rapidly beating heart. Everything seems still and quiet except for Lance’s heartbeat. It is overwhelming and Keith is mixed up, lost, detached.

He drifts his hand downward, gently placing it on Lance’s lap.

Keith pulls away. “You know, you can if you want to.”

“Can what?”

“Have sex with me.”

Lance makes eye contact with him and they are close, so close, it makes Keith dizzy.  Lance puts his hands on Keith’s cheeks and leans forward, resting his forehead on Keith’s.

“Keith.”

“Or I can suck you off. Let me…”

Lance is pulling away now though, sighing deeply.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. We shouldn’t be doing this. I need to go.”

Keith can’t respond, hand still reaching out, already missing his warmth.

“This isn’t…this isn’t right. Not right now. We will talk soon though, yeah? I’ll text you.”

Lance is out of the door in a second, leaving a stunned Keith still on the couch. He sits for an undetermined amount of time, trying to sort out how he feels or should feel about what just happened. Did he mess up? Did Lance hate him now? But Lance kissed him first. He definitely made the kiss happen. But that whole “I’ll text you” thing is basically a kiss-off.

Keith looks down, realizing his hands are shaking. He knows the weirdness came from him though. Why had he been so honest with Lance?

As he walks back toward his bedroom, the real issue bubbles under the surface, unwanted. Keith’s realizing it causes bile to rise in his throat.

His willingness to have sex with Lance if Lance wanted it when he himself didn’t want to have sex hits him like a sledgehammer. It had felt so natural to put Lance’s pleasure first, to offer himself when kissed, to obey. It was second nature to Keith now, something trained into his body.

He can almost hear Lotor laughing at him. He can almost feel Lotor’s hands on his throat, feel him bending him over the office table, pain, and blood. His teeth on his shoulder. Marking him, marking his body.

Tears threaten to spill out of his eyes as he rushes to the backroom, hoping Pidge does not want to talk when she gets home. He curls up under the covers on the guest bed and puts his hands over his ears, wishing he could drown out his thoughts.

Loser

Lotor’s smell

Strong arms in bed

Pathetic

Embarrassing

The sound of a zipper

Being pushed to his knees

Slut  

Lotor’s rough hands

Being pinned  

Damaged goods

_You are damaged goods_

Keith realizes he is spiraling and clenches the pillow beneath his head, trying to anchor himself. Somewhere in the fog, he hears his phone beeping at him. He reaches for it automatically and sees a text from Lance.

Lance: Hey dude, sorry about running. I shouldn’t have left so fast, but kissing you got me a little too excited. Just kidding. Kind of. Anyway, sorry I ran. I got caught up in the moment and I don’t think that it is the right time for either of us right now, yeah? Want to hang out tomorrow? We can job hunt together or just talk some more. I feel like I am not being a very good friend right now. Sometimes I don’t know what to say to you. I am so glad you are back-I missed having my best friend around. I missed being able to talk to you. I thought about you all the time. This is the longest text I have ever sent. BTW you aren’t a freak or a weirdo or any of those other things you said about yourself. You are Keith. Anyway, hang out? Find jobs? Bitch to each other about life? I can pick you up.”

He ended it with a smile and heart emoji. Keith takes a deep ragged breath.

He forces himself out from under the covers. On the desk sat his list of things to do to get his shit together. With shaking hands, he adds “Find a Gym” at the bottom. Pausing for just a moment, he also adds “Talk to Shiro about Therapists” before crawling back into bed and curling up in a little ball.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not exaggerating when I say the Season 2 trailer made this chapter come out later than I wanted. I was in editing mode when it came out and spent like, the rest of the night on tumblr laughing about the 2 seconds we get of Keith and Lance shirtless.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But he keeps moving. He needs to survive, which he is succeeding at doing. He can figure out the rest later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took awhile! A few fun facts-I looked over my earlier outline for the story and I originally had Lance and Keith having sex in the last chapter. Oh boy, what was I thinking? That would have been terrible. Also, I originally was going to let people vote for whether they though Keith should get a good or bad end?? (Again, what?). The original bad end is so depressing I would have never posted it, ever.  
> Anyway, I believe this is going to end on Chapter 15 or 16 so we are close now :)

It is in bits and pieces that Keith puts his life back together. The practical side of it comes easier than expected. He finds a job at a factory that is mind-numbingly repetitive and awful, but pays enough for him to rent a very small, very bare bones townhome. This townhome is close enough to public transportation that he can get to work or other places to hang out with friends if needed. He needs five classes to graduate and 2 of them can be taken online so he signs up for one in the Fall.

He feels like less of a burden on his friends, no longer taking their guest bedrooms or emotional energy all the time.

The harder part is what Shiro calls, just once because Keith basically hisses when he says it, _emotional recovery_. Keith feels stable enough, but it only works if he tries not to think too much. He doesn’t think about the past. He doesn’t think about himself. He doesn’t think about whatever is happening between him and Lance. He slips into an easy rhythm that is not entirely unlike his undergraduate years of hanging out with friends and work.

There was a time when Keith prided himself on knowing who he was. He may not have liked who he was. He may not have always been happy. But he had known himself. The last few years had shaken this belief, a darkness somehow snaking its way down to his core, slipping into the vulnerable parts and taking hold. He gets up every morning. He eats breakfast. He goes to work. He goes to a gym a few times a week. He hangs out with the gang. He has no idea who he is or why he is doing it.

But he keeps moving. He needs to survive, which he is succeeding at doing. He can figure out the rest later.  

It isn’t all bad or even mostly bad. Periods of numbness and detachment are punctuated with glimmers of hope and happiness. These moments are slowly tipping toward being the norm instead of the exception.

Going back to school is something that genuinely excites him, even if it is one online course. It seemed like a chore or necessity when he was 18. Now, it feels like a privilege.

He is also now a regular babysitter for Catriona, possibly the only living thing in the world that can make him laugh more than Lance.

He holds onto these moments and future possibilities that get him through the day.

Keith tells himself he just needs more time. And there are times when he doesn’t think he needs anything at all except to be grateful for what he has. A place to live. Pidge’s no bullshit advice. Shiro’s similar, but more fatherly advice. A paycheck that comes regularly. Catriona singing Disney songs. Friday nights with Hunk and Shay. Lance watching a movie with him, wrapped around him like a sloth. No threat of being hit. Fading scars.

There are worse lives to live as long as Keith doesn’t think too much and as long as he ignores the scratching feeling in the back of his head telling him that this won’t last either.

**********

**[Text Message Received]**

Lance: Hope you guys are happy having fun while I suffer

Keith: We are

Lance: I hate all of you

Keith: Enjoy being an adult while we have fun

 

Lance had decided that he needs to get serious about getting a job and, for once, opts out of the adventures that they all went on sometimes on the weekends. This time, it is to an arcade that is supposedly one of the best in the region. Keith sits in the back seat of Pidge’s car, texting and half-listening to the conversation her and Hunk are having about strategy for being able to play as much of the arcade as possible.

“So, who you texting? Or do I even need to ask?” Pidge smiles at him from the front seat.

“I literally text a total of 5 people in the world and two of you are in this car. So, it is probably obvious who I am texting.”

He feels like he has missed something in this situation with Lance. Their previous conversation replays in his mind, repeatedly. He tries to forget the more embarrassing parts of that night and Lance and he had basically pretended like the kiss never happened. They fall into something that feels comfortable and close, but also firmly a friendship. Nevertheless, he can’t stop thinking about some of Lance’s insinuations. Keith decides a long car trip to an arcade is the perfect moment for awkward conversation.  

“Did you guys know I had a thing for Lance back in the day?”

Both started laughing. Keith stares at them blankly until they finally stop.

“Oh my god, you are serious,” Hunk says, face suddenly very straight.

“I don’t get why you two are laughing.”

“I mean, weren’t you guys basically a couple at one point?” Pidge says.  

“What? No, never. What makes you think that?”

“You were…close and always together,” Hunk says.  

“You guys are crazy. We were only just friends. But…really, you thought we were dating?”

“Maybe not dating, but hooking up or something. I asked Lance one time and he kind of blew me off, didn’t give a straight answer. Not like he was implying you two were doing anything, but...” Hunk shrugs.  

“Are you guys implying Lance liked me back then?”

There is a moment of silence.

“Not implying it. Saying it outright,” Pidge says.

Keith tries to wrap his mind around this development. His feelings for Lance had always seemed pretty unrequited. Sure, they were close, but Lance had never pursued him like he did Nyma. It didn’t seem possible that, all this time, they had been mutually pining.

“Why would Lance like someone like me?” Keith winces. “Sorry, I know it’s awkward when I say stuff like that.”

A red light makes it easy for Pidge and Hunk to give each other a long, hard look.

“Ok, Keith. Bear with us for a minute. How many times has Lance dutch ovened you since you moved back?” Hunk says.  

“Wha…what?”

“Answer the question,” Pidge responds.

“It…it’s happened a few times.”

“How many times has he farted on you and then laughed about it?” Pidge somehow says this with a straight face.  

“Pidge, Jesus, what the fuck.”

“The point is that Lance is, how old now? And he still thinks farts are hilarious,” Pidge concludes.

“Uhm, ok, yeah, Lance will probably think farts are funny up until he dies.” Keith thinks for a moment. “And it’s not like farts aren’t funny.”

“Ok, but when was the last time you farted on someone?” Hunk asks.

“I honestly can’t remember ever doing that. At least on purpose.”

Pidge taps her fingers on the steering wheel.     

“There was a point in Lance’s life when he wore an Ed Hardy shirt,” Hunk says.

“Uhm, ok. I don’t get why that matters. Who is Ed Hardy?”

“You are better off not knowing. Remember the time that hot waiter flirted with Hunk instead of Lance at that restaurant on Fourth Street and he sulked about it the rest of the night like a big baby?” Pidge asks.  

“He is also unemployed and spends like, hundreds of dollars on hair and skin care, still,” Hunk jumps in before Keith can respond.  

“Why are you guys doing this?” Keith doesn’t quite get the direction of the conversation.  

“He also kissed you when he was already with Nyma and when he at least suspected you had feelings for him,” Pidge mentions, sounding just a bit hesitant.

“No he didn’t.”

“Yes, he did. We watched him. We watched him do it and play it off like he was drunk but he totally wasn’t that drunk,” Hunk asserts.

“I would know if Lance kissed me back then.”

_It would have been embedded in my memories for all eternity_ , Keith thinks.

“Remember the mistletoe at that party? People were giving you kisses on the cheek?” Pidge says.

A vague memory sparks. That Christmas party right after Lance and Nyma had gotten together. Keith had actually been pretty drunk under the mistletoe. One person had kissed him on the lips, but he had been too far gone to register who it was.

“Oh my god.”

“That is part of the reason we thought you guys were, uh, doing something back then. Like, I almost pulled you two aside and gave you the “I love you but stop being assholes and cheating on your partners” speech,” Hunk says.

“Ok. So Lance is Lance. But why are you guys bagging on him all of a sudden?”

“Sometimes you talk about Lance like he is some ethereal being. Like, ok, I love Lance, you know that, he’s my bestie. But he isn’t perfect and he made some really immature mistakes and it isn’t like you would have been…or would now be dragging him down,” Pidge says.  

“Yeah, Lance is my bro forever, but he makes mistakes, sometimes big ones and he isn’t always right. He has faults, you have faults, we have faults,” Hunk adds.  

“Yeah, sometimes you even talk about us like you are some burden we have to deal with and you aren’t. You are our friend. You have went through some hard times, but that doesn’t make you somehow lesser and you are never a burden,” Pidge says.

“You are a member of our friend family and just as important as any of us.” Hunk says.  

Keith is bright red by now.

“Ok. God, stop. I get it, I get it…Thanks though.”

He slinks down into his seat, trying to look like he is sulking, but knowing that both could probably see the smile on his face.   There is a rush of love and gratitude inside his chest that is so powerful it almost takes his breath away. In truth, he **doesn’t** get it, at least not always, but hearing the words moves him closer and closer to believing them.

*********

“My cookies are going to be so much better than Keith’s!”

“Nuh uh!”

“Yes huh!”

“Nuh uh. Mine are the best!”

“Mine!”

Keith lays some wax paper out on a cookie sheet and marvels at the way that Lance can somehow be a responsible adult at the same time as a five year old. Sometimes being around him and Catriona is like babysitting two small children in that he sometimes has to remind them to look both ways before crossing the street or feed them because they get cranky when hungry.  

But there are other times when Lance instinctively puts his hand out to protect her head when Catriona is running by something with a sharp corner or when he convinces her that there are no monsters under her bed that makes Keith’s chest tight and warm.

Shiro had wanted to take Allura on the same hike where he proposed to her for their anniversary. Though they had plans as a family later on, the hike itself is not entirely appropriate for a child. Keith had gladly accepted babysitting duties and bought cookies he thought Catriona would enjoy making for her parents. Somehow, Lance had gotten in on the fun. It is not an unwelcome addition to the day.

The kitchen is destroyed with cooking supplies and flour. The Frozen movie soundtrack plays in the background. Keith is actually wearing an apron, something Lance had insisted on. It all felt very domestic, but not in a bad way. He appreciates these moments of warmth. He didn’t have a loving family that did this stuff as a kid. It isn’t something that he imagined for himself growing up either. In fact, it is something he tells himself he doesn’t want. But standing in the kitchen, watching Lance in his own apron competitively icing cookies with Catriona, flour in her hair and yellow frosting smeared down her own tiny apron, makes him think he has been lying to himself for a long time.

For the first time in a long time, Keith is dreaming of a colorful future and it is hard. It is hard for him to admit he wants something. That he wants a life of aprons and cookies and safety and this warmth and Catriona and

 

And

 

Keith hears a knock on the door. He looks at his phone and frowns. It isn’t time for Shiro and Allura yet. He wonders if the music is too loud as he trots to get the door.

It is not entirely unexpected and, somewhere in the back of Keith’s mind, he knew this day would come.

 

“Lotor?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a horrible cliffhanger, but it needed to happen eventually.  
> Also, there is no way that Lance doesn't dutch oven everyone. And I mean everyone. I am not even entirely leaving out Shiro and Allura in this.  
> OH! And the Ed Hardy head canon came from here-It is basically canon to me now. 
> 
> http://daddyroboarm.tumblr.com/post/155883532008/lance-had-an-ed-hardy-phase-in-eighth-grade


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You have always been his little ego boost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter and then a short epilogue. I will warn you the epilogue is pretty self-indulgent, but I can't wait to share it.

Time stands still and all Keith can do is stare, frozen in the moment.  

“Can we talk?” Lotor says finally, using that voice, the soft, nice one that had fooled Keith so many times before.

Keith has been waiting for this though and he knows what he has to do.

“Hold on a second,” he says, walking back inside, closing the door behind him.

“Who is it?” Lance says, smiling, spreading some icing on a cookie.

“Lance, I need you to take Catriona and go out the back door.”

Lance freezes, noting Keith’s tone.

“There is a playground to the right of the parking lot. Take her now.”

He is speaking low, but Catriona still realizes something is up, putting down a cookie and looking at Keith with an adorably scrunched up face.

“Keith, can I come in now?” Lotor calls from the front hall.

Lance’s eyes go wide. He walks over, leaning close to Keith.

“Fuck, Keith. I am not leaving you here with him.”

“Take her to the playground. She is a child. Lance, you have to do this for me. Please.”

There is no part of Keith that wants Catriona to be anywhere near Lotor or anything that might happen in the next few minutes. She is his priority right now, though if he is being honest he doesn’t want Lance anywhere near Lotor either. He winces, an unbidden memory of Lance in a hospital bed with a bandage on his face coming to mind.

Lance nods, backing away and picking Catriona up.

“Hey, the cookies aren’t done!” She squeals.

“Your Uncle Keith has some boring adult stuff he needs to do. There is this super cool playground I want to check out. Let’s go!”

“Yes, Cat. Go make Lance push you on swing. We can finish the cookies when you come back. This batch needs to cool down anyway!”

Catriona looks like she wants to argue, but Lance is whisking her out the back door, chattering about the playground while shooting one, last anguished look back at Keith.

“Was that Lance? Really?”

Lotor is behind him and Keith feels his skin crawl.

“There is nothing to talk about, Lotor. We are done.”

“Come on baby, don’t be like that. Just talk to me.”

He touches Keith’s arm, turning him around so that they are facing one another.

“I’m done, Lotor. Please leave.”

He breaks away from his touch.

Lotor grabs him, pulling him close.

“Come on, don’t throw what we have away.”

“Stop.” Keith raises his voice, smacking Lotor’s hands away and taking a step backward. “I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. It is over.”

He crosses his arms, hoping he looks stronger than he feels. Inside, he is a mess, a trembling mess, part of him wanting to cry, the other part of him loathing the feelings of warmth in his chest that Lotor’s outstretched arms made him feel.

Lotor takes another step forward.

“Don’t. I will scream. I will call the cops. I never want to see you again.”

Lotor smiles then, a disgusting smirk spreading across his face.

“You loved me though, didn’t you?”

Keith considers.

“Yes, yes I did.”

“Good. Never forget that I didn’t-not even for a second. I never loved you.”

Keith looks down.

“Because who could love a piece of shit like you? You are one of the most pathetic people I have ever met, happy being my slut and punching bag. Seriously, toward the end I was just making bets with myself how much shit you would actually take and still stick with me.”

“Shut up.”

“And you are with Lance now? That is a laugh. You don’t think he is going to drop you the second he gets bored? Or the second he finds another Nyma who he can actually take home to his family and have kids with one day? You have always been his little ego boost. Don’t fool yourself for a second into thinking he could ever love you.”

“Stop!”

“Maybe that is your fate. Your purpose in life. You live to be used by other people and then discarded like trash when they are bored.”

“Shut up!” Keith puts his hands over his ears.

A moment later, he feels Lotor’s hands pulling his hands away from his ears.

“For old time’s sake,” Lotor says before kissing him. Keith kisses back. It is the only thing he knows how to do, reacting to the familiarity.

Lotor deepens the kiss momentarily, licking into Keith’s mouth once before pulling back and slapping him across the face.

Keith looks at him, finally feeling a bubble of anger in his chest. He had almost forgotten what it feels like to be angry. It feels good, awakening a dim part of himself.

“Did that make you feel good about yourself? Do you think it makes you a real man to do that to people?” He spits at Lotor.  

“Only you, sweetheart.”

“Leave. Just fucking leave.” He pushes Lotor, at this point, needing him gone, needing him outside the door, out of his life.  

Lotor lifts his hand like he is going to hit him again, but Keith punches it away.

“You aren’t going to hit me ever again. Leave!”

“I’m going. I’m going. By the way, how often does Lance make you suck his cock.”

“Lance. Isn’t. like. You. Leave!” he punctuates each word by pushing Lotor toward the door.

“I’ll leave when I damn well feel like it.”

“No, you will be leaving now.” A different voice appears from the hallway. They had both been distracted enough not to notice the large form that had appeared.

“Shiro,” Keith says quietly.

Shiro looks at Keith and almost visibly notes his tear-streaked face and the dark red mark on his cheek. He turns and looks at Lotor, a look in his eye that Keith had never seen.

“Damn Keith, how many men are you servicing right now?”

Shiro steps forward.

“If you aren’t out of this townhome and Keith’s life in the next 30 seconds, I will call the cops.”

“You can’t make me.”

“I think you will find that I can, indeed, make you.”

Lotor looks angry and takes a swing at Shiro. In a move that Keith would have only considered possible in movies, Shiro catches his fist in mid-air with one hand.

Lotor looks shocked and begins backing up when Shiro begins to squeeze.

“Hey, hey…stop!”

Shiro squeezes Lotor’s fist until his face twists in pain and he drops to one knee.

“You are going to leave right now and you are never going to contact Keith again. Ever.”

“Fine, Jesus, fine! I don’t even want him anymore anyway!”

Shiro finally lets him go. Lotor stands up hastily, glaring once more in Keith’s direction before stomping out the front door. It is the last time Keith ever sees Lotor.

Shiro is at his side in a moment.

“Keith, are you ok? Do you need anything?”

Keith shakes his head. He feels numb.

“I am just…I was so scared he would do something to Catriona or Lance….I…”

Shiro gives him a hug. He can tell from the way Shiro tenses halfway through that he is wondering if Keith doesn’t want to be touched right now, but Keith wraps his arms around him reassuringly.

“Thanks Shiro.” He grips the back of Shiro’s shirt, anchoring himself.  

They walk outside a few minutes later after Keith has splashed his face with water and also gathered some of the cookies in a box for Catriona to give to Shiro and Allura. Apparently, Lance had flagged Shiro and Allura down in the parking lot when they pulled in and informed them of the situation. Shiro tells Keith he can just stay inside, but he wants to say goodbye to Catriona.

He numbly goes through the motions of saying goodbye to them, hoping Catriona at least doesn’t notice that something is wrong. Allura and Shiro look worried, both telling him to call or text if he needs anything. He knows they would not be leaving at all if it weren’t for Lance being there with him.

Lance lurks in the background, fidgeting, looking like a ball of nerves.

Keith watches Shiro’s car drive off before turning and walking back to his townhome.

“Hey! Keith! Wait up!”

Lance quickly catches up, walking beside him.

Keith can tell that Lance is feeling awkward right now, unsure of what to do or say or if he should ask questions or just leave it alone.  

Keith is silent as they go inside. Once inside, he grabs Lance’s wallet, keys, and cellphone and shoves them into Lance’s hands.  

“I want you to leave.”

“What?”

“Leave. Please. I need to be alone.”

Lance visibly wilts and then starts walking toward the door. He opens the door about two inches before stopping and then shutting it again.  

“You know what. No. You are crazy if you think I am going to leave you alone right now.”

“Excuse me?”

“I don’t care if you want to talk or not. But I am not leaving.”

“You need to leave.”

“No. I refuse.”

“I will drag your ass out of here.”

“No you won’t.”

“I’ll call the cops.”

“You won’t do that either.”

“Lance, please, just go.”

“No. Every time I leave you alone or give you space you run away from me.”

“From you? God, you make everything about you, don’t you?”

“It’s not just from me. You shut people out. You go back to the devil. Not this time Keith. Not this time.”

Keith is about an inch away from having a complete meltdown and he doesn’t want Lance to see it. He doesn’t want Lance to see him this way. He can’t look Lance in the eyes, feeling Lotor’s tongue in his mouth, remembering Lotor’s words. _Don’t fool yourself for a second into thinking he could ever love you._

He all but runs to the bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

“Keith. Keith.”

Lance knocks on the door.

“Listen, I’m sorry. I know you want to be alone, but I can’t stand the thought of you being alone right now. Every time I leave you alone you slip further away.”

Keith leans his back against the door and then slides downward until he is sitting. From the sound on the other side, Lance seems to be doing the same.

“You hurt so much and then just suffer in silence by yourself.  You don’t have to do that anymore. I’m here. Let me shoulder some of it for you.”

Keith closes his eyes. Lotor’s words had hurt, cutting him where he is the weakest. Keith holds onto his anger though. He remembers all the people who do love him. He remembers that Lance has never used him or hurt him deliberately. And he could have, many times, just like Lotor.

“I am going to go to the living room. That way you can be alone but not totally alone. Ok? I can make some hot chocolate too. You don’t have to come out and get it but…”

“It’s too hot for hot chocolate,” Keith speaks up.

“It’s never too hot for hot chocolate.”

Keith stands up and opens the door suddenly. Lance dips backward at the sudden loss of a backrest.

“Come.”

Lance looks confused.

“Get in here and cuddle me.”

Lance looks surprised, but nods, a serious expression on his face. Keith curls up on his bed on his side. Lance leans onto the bed, seeming unsure of how to position himself until Keith grabs his arm and angles Lance behind him. He always liked being the small spoon.

“Do you want to talk about it? Are…are you considering going back with him?”

“No. That is over. But there is a sick little part of me that is glad he came back for me.”

Lance grips him tighter.

“And I did love him. I know that is hard for everyone to understand but I did. I loved him a lot.”

“It’s ok. I get it.”

“I don’t think you really do. But that’s ok.”

“Explain it to me.”

Keith takes a deep breath. For as close as he feels to Lance, he had always tried to minimize how much emotional baggage he tossed at him. There is some naive part of him that always hoped Lance was ignorant to how messed up he was, or is. Keith supposes it is time to drop the act completely.   

“You go through life thinking no one will ever love you. And then someone does. And it wasn’t all bad. He took me on dates and told me I was special. He was always there for me. He told me we would be together forever. And I was so lonely. I guess that is pretty pathetic of me right?”

“No, that isn’t pathetic.”

“It is though. He hurt me. He hurt you. He ruined every friendship I had. And I went back with him. I let him do stuff to me.”

“He didn’t ruin the friendships we are all still…”

“You are good people, but I am such a burden on everyone around me. I don’t want to be alone, but man I am a shitty depressing friend. Like, what kind of person am I that I let Lotor do that stuff to me?”

“You are a great friend. And Lotor is an abuser. He knows how to manipulate people, especially because you loved him. That doesn’t make you a bad person, to love someone and have them take advantage of it. It makes them a bad person.”

“And, you. Lance, what am I going to do about you? You confuse the shit out of me.”

 “Why do I confuse you?”

“You kiss me and then pretend it never happens. You talk about girls sometimes, but then we cuddle in pajamas on the couch every weekend. You hold my hand and talk about stuff we can do in the future, but you haven’t actually made a move. I can’t tell what you are doing or how you feel.”

Keith can feel Lance tense up behind him.

“It’s complicated, Keith. We are both fresh out of relationships and you have a lot on your plate.”

“No shit it’s complicated. Lotor has always told me since we were literally not old enough to buy alcohol that you are using me. That I am your little ego boost.”

“Hey…”

“Let me finish. I don’t think that is true, but part of me imagines you running off with someone else at the end of this and I can’t, Lance. I can’t do that.”

“Ok, ok.”

“Like, we can’t do this anymore unless you have serious intentions, and I know that sounds weird and old-fashioned, but if you are just playing with me I think it will kill me. I can’t do it. No pressure, right?  But maybe even that is wrong. Because my god, I would be a shitty boyfriend. Like, do I really think you deserve to be with someone like me? Maybe I shouldn’t even entertain the idea of us being together.  I would be clingy and emotional and I can’t do this. I will ruin this. I will ruin everything. Because it is who I am. I ruin things and I let people down and no one wants me unless they can use me for something and when they get whatever that is they leave me and run off to be actually happy with other people.”

“Keith…”

“and what if you want kids? You do, don’t you? I can’t bare your children for you, Lance.”

“Keith, ok, just breathe with me.”

Keith realizes he is panting, out of breathe somehow despite lying in bed. Lance is rubbing gentle circles on his stomach while cradling him with his other arm.

They sit in silence for a few minutes, Keith following Lance’s steady, easy breathing. He finds Lance’s heartbeat and listens to it. It calms him.  

“Well, I guess you have seen one of my meltdowns now,” Keith says, laughing weakly.

“Thank you for opening up to me. I mean it.”

“Yes, who wouldn’t want to deal with me when I am an emotional mess. What a treat.”

“It is a treat for me.”

Keith starts to shake Lance’s arms away, but Lance holds on. “Don’t say that.”

“Treat may be the wrong word, but I want you to trust me. I want to be someone you trust with this stuff.”

“Ok.”

“This is probably the completely wrong time, and I am not always good with this stuff, not like Pidge and Hunk and even Shiro even though I don’t know him that well. And I can see why you have sometimes opened up to them more than me. But, when you say you don’t know how I feel or what I am doing, I want to be very clear with you. I can’t imagine my life without you now. I want us to be together, if that is what you want and when you feel ready for it. I don’t want to rush anything though, because this and you are too important to me.”

Keith flips around so he can look at Lance’s face. He buries his face in Lance’s chest.

“It is important that we do this right, ok?”

Keith nods. “Can…can we just sit here for a little while?”

Lance nods, continuing to massage Keith’s back.

Keith dozes off. When he wakes up, Lance is asleep, arms now slack around him.

Keith studies his sleeping face.

He is scared. Part of him wants to run out the door and never contact Lance again. He feels vulnerable, lacking any type of defense if the person in front of him wanted to hurt him. Another part of him urges him to trust him. To stop pushing him away. 

Lance wakes up a moment later, smiling lazily at him.

“Good morning, beautiful.”

“It’s not actually morning. We just took a nap.”

“Good nap, beautiful doesn’t have the same ring.”

Lance kisses him on the forehead and reaches his hand down to hold Keith’s hand.

Keith won’t fight it anymore though. He prays Lance won’t break his heart, closing his eyes, leaning forward until his head rests against Lance’s chest again. He takes a deep breath and, for the moment, all is well and he feels warm and safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have only watched the first three episodes of Voltron Season 2 right now. I am worried to continue watching because I am seeing a lot of negative reactions? I'm scared you guys!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith asks himself one night-Can I be a good partner for Lance as I am? And the answer is no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning-Sexy times happen. It isn't terribly graphic though.  
> Also, I almost feel like this could be the end, but I already have the epilogue written and I like it :p So, the epilogue should be up soon and I am considering it a Valentines Day bonus chapter lol.

If you had told a younger version of himself that phone calls would be one of the most terrifying things he would do as an adult, younger him would have never believed you. The initial call to Pidge for help. His first time calling Shiro a day later. And now, calling a therapist.

It feels like the final step in admitting that his image of himself as a loner who doesn’t need help is completely inaccurate. Not only is he not a loner, but by trying to be one he messed up so badly that he needs to pay someone to help him figure it out.

Shiro firmly rebukes this mindset, telling him that asking for help is a sign of strength. Keith trusts Shiro and trusts that he is right. He will admit that part of the reason he calls is also the man who is now rarely not by his side.  He and Lance had somehow fallen into a relationship. They do not really discuss it, but the weekend hangouts start ending in kisses. They start holding hands when they are out together. It feels natural the first time Lance introduces him to a coworker as his boyfriend.

Keith asks himself one night-Can I be a good partner for Lance as I am? And the answer is no.

But he can make that phone call for him.

He finally decides on a therapist. When he wants to skip the first meeting, he imagines Shiro’s disappointed face and making Lance cry. It is motivation enough to get him in the door and into the waiting room.  

The first session is awkward, but doable. He likes her. It isn’t the “let’s just talk about feelings” fest that he is expecting.  

She tells him that he developed some damaging thought processes and that those thought processes had trapped him in damaging cycles. He had come to expect the worst and couldn’t trust people in a way that would allow them to be his friends, not truly.

So, he identifies those thoughts. No one will ever love me. Everyone leaves me. I don’t deserve and am not capable of having normal relationships like other people.

And begins fighting them.

People do love me and I deserve that love. I have a family now. I deserve and am capable of a normal life with normal relationships.

He learns strategies for how to better deal with his anxiety attacks and for dealing with people. And, it helps. A younger him might have scoffed at some of the exercises, but younger him was stubborn, naïve, and blind. Older him wants to be a good friend, wants to be a good partner for Lance, wants to break the cycle. Older him realizes the consequences of not changing.

He holds his breath, unable to make eye contact when he asks Lance if he will come to some sessions with him. He waits for Lance’s reaction, a bit fearful. Why would Lance want to come to therapy with him? It is boring. He could be doing something fun or meaningful or sleeping or…

Lance had grasped his hands, smiling wide.

“You want me to come to some of your therapy sessions? You trust me that much?” Keith is surprised, but quickly learns that Lance’s support is not something that should surprise him.

They have several sessions, Lance giving it his all, never acting like it is a burden. The therapist helps facilitate some honest discussions. Keith finally tells Lance how he feels and what he is thinking when he has an anxiety attack. They discuss how Lance can help more effectively.

She makes them create a list of things they want the other one to know no matter what.

Keith details his feelings of worthlessness, how scared he is that Lance will leave him, how scared he is that he might be the one to push Lance away.

Lance is honest in return. He admits it makes him feel bad that Keith still doesn’t trust him. He also admits that he still worries Keith will leave him for Lotor.

It is an exhausting session, one that ends in frozen yogurt afterward.

Keith finally begins telling Lance all the stuff he had kept to himself for so long. Details about his foster homes. Everything that happened with Lotor. He thought by keeping these parts away from Lance that he was somehow protecting him. But, he was really protecting himself. He feels raw and exposed. Lance listens patiently, squeezing his hand at regular intervals.

He also learns more about Lance. There isn’t a sob story there and it is generally a much happier tale than the one he tells. But, he realizes that Lance has always been somewhat of an idea to him, not someone with a real life who made mistakes and had braces at one point. He learns about Lance’s insecurities as a teenager, his mom’s battle with cancer (though now in remission), how one time he broke his arm skateboarding while trying to show off. Keith latches onto the details, taking in everything that makes Lance Lance.

Lotor’s words sometimes echo in his mind about Lance leaving him for another Nyma, about not wanting to take Keith home. But, these moments become less and less frequent. Lance also seems dedicated to proving Lotor wrong even without knowing exactly what was said.

He is genuinely eager to introduce Keith to his family. Keith agrees, cautious to expect too much. Surely they would like him better if he was Nyma, outgoing, gorgeous, someone you start a family with. However, he sees exactly where Lance gets his warmth and geniality when they visit for a weekend. He is basically welcomed like a son. They tell him that Lance had been talking about him for years.  It makes Lance happy too, holding hands on his back porch, listening to embarrassing stories from Lance’s childhood. The number of people in his cellphone contacts list basically doubles that weekend. Lance’s mother knits them matching scarves for Christmas.

 

**********

 

It is Keith who brings up sex first.

Beyond making out on couches, they hadn’t progressed further physically. He knows Lance wants to have sex with him, but that he is being patient and considerate. Keith finally feels ready. He always enjoyed the intimacy of sex and wants to experience that with Lance.  

“It is technically our anniversary this weekend. Want to have a date night? At my place?” Keith fiddles with his keychain as he asks Lance. Lance is dropping him off after a trip to the gym.

“Sure, should we cook something?”  

“Yeah. Also. I have supplies.”

“To cook?”

“No. Lube.”

Lance coughs.

“Ok. I mean. That is…if that is what you want.”

“Do you not want it?”

“Oh god, I do. Trust me, Keith I do. But I want to do it when you feel comfortable and I am willing to wait.”

Keith considers this for a second.

“I’m not very good at sex.”

“What…what do you mean by that?”

“It hurt sometimes and I didn’t like that.”

Lance is silent for quite a long time, looking down at his hands.  

“I am trying to say the right thing here. Sex should never hurt. Unless you are into that and want it to hurt, of course. Was…he your only partner?”

“Yes.”

Lance turns away, no doubt trying to hide the flash of anger crossing his face.

“I am just going to assume that he probably wasn’t a great sex partner.”

“No, he wasn’t. But that doesn’t have to stop us from having it forever.”

“We don’t have to have sex you know.”

“I want to. I want to have sex with you. Even if it hurts.”

“No, Keith, sweetie. I wouldn’t hurt you, ever.” Lance grabs his hands.  

“I know. I always liked being that close to someone though. And I want that with you.”

“Why don’t we take it slow and see what happens?”  

 

**********

 

Later that week, they have dinner and make out on the couch before Keith pulls Lance into the bedroom.  When they crawl into bed, Lance seems nervous. He cracks his knuckles, not making eye contact. _Adorable_ , Keith thinks to himself.

“Lance, relax. If you are too nervous we don’t have to do anything.”

Keith takes off his shirt and runs his hand down his abs, hoping he looks sexy instead of stupid.  

“You know, we can just watch TV even though I am totally hot for you right now. Also, Shiro has been making me go to Yoga so I am more flexible than I have ever been before. But, we can totally just marathon Ancient Aliens or something instead…”

Lance makes a noise that sounds remarkably like a squeak before crawling the distance between them on the bed and kissing him. Keith pulls Lance into him.  

Lance kisses like a god, but Keith frowns at the way he touches his body. He is touching him like he is made of glass, like he is fragile. He pulls away.

“Look, you aren’t going to break me. Ok? I promise I will tell you if you are doing something I don’t like.”

Lance pulls Keith close again, answering with a kiss.  

For a long time, they just lay in bed, touching and kissing. Lance’s hands are all over him, touching everything, lips at his mouth. He is slow and gentle and careful. Keith is already feeling dizzy, Lance’s gentle caresses and kisses unlike anything he had ever experienced in bed before. And he touches back, mapping Lance’s body with his hands, kissing whatever he can reach.

And Keith wants more. He tells Lance this, who looks adorably serious and determined. Keith closes his eyes, leans back, and holds his breath as he feels Lance’s fingers against him.  

Keith is a burning wick, flames licking up his insides, the entire universe collapsing in on him, as he trembles while Lance works in him. He exhales, pulling at Lance, trying to get more contact, trying to touch every inch of his skin. Lance feels like everything in the world that is warm and safe and that he can trust. He feels overwhelmed, overtaken by the feeling of soft skin on his and pleasure deep inside him and Lance’s warmth.  He spirals higher and higher, throwing his head back and moaning as Lance pushes deeper.

When he catches his breath, he looks up to see Lance looking at him carefully.

“I can just get you off like this…we don’t have to go all the way.”

“No.”

“Are you…”

“I want you. Right now.”

And he does. He wants to melt into Lance, for them to become one, to share everything he has with Lance.

Lance nods.

“Just, tell me ok, if it hurts or if it’s uncomfortable.”

Keith nods. He isn’t worried. He isn’t tense. He trusts Lance. He trusts Lance with his heart and his body.

There isn’t any pain. He doesn’t move right away, but rather makes eye contact, still looking a little worried. Keith smiles at him, pulling his face down so that they can kiss, wrapping a leg around his waist and rolling his hips a bit.

Lance doesn’t hesitate again.

Keith feels raw. He pulls Lance closer, kissing his neck, moaning as Lance finds his rhythm.

 

*********

 

After he comes, he lays for a few blissful minutes riding out the waves of pleasure still rolling through his body. He isn’t even entirely aware of what Lance is doing, lost in his afterglow.

“Oh, wow.” He finally says, opening his eyes and finding Lance lying beside him, grinning.  

“Shit. I…I’m sorry. I don’t even remember if you came or not. I should have…”

“Are you kidding me? Do you think literally anyone with a pulse would have lasted through that?”

“That?”

“You screaming my name as you came. It was seriously the sexiest thing I have ever experienced, like, counting real life and porn.”

Keith blushes, considers denying it, and then laughs.

“I think that is the hardest I have ever come.”

Lance kisses his cheek and looks thrilled.

“Seriously, I’m not even sure I can stand and I kind of need to go to the bathroom.”

“Keith you have to stop, my ego is big enough as it is.”

It isn’t that Keith feels like anything was missing from their relationship before necessarily, but he enjoys this closeness that they hadn’t had before. Skin-on-skin contact, feeling Lance’s warmth, his body, his heartbeat. As they cuddle afterward, he feels a familiar stab of fear strike through him, telling him things are too good, Lance is too nice. It only lasts for a moment though. Lance loves him and he loves Lance and ultimately, that is all that matters. Keith isn’t going to let this go, not anymore.

  

*********

He graduates college on a cold day in December. He wants to skip the ceremony, but Lance and Shiro both give him kicked puppy looks when he tells them. So, he rents his cap and gown and sits with the rest of the undergrads. Most of them look like babies to him despite him not being that much older.

Afterward, they have a photoshoot that feels entirely indulgent to him. Keith alone. Keith alone in front of a recognizable building on campus. Keith throwing his cap in the air. Keith and Shiro shaking hands. Keith with Shiro, Allura, and Catriona. An entire photoset of him with Cat. Cat trying to grab his cap. Him and Lance hugging. Him and Lance with Catriona. Pidge pretending to punch his arm. Hunk lifting him off the ground in a hug. Finally, a kind stranger takes a picture of all of them together. Keith later frames a print of that one and the one of Cat trying to steal his cap, putting them both in his bedroom.

He wants to be able to see his family whenever he needs it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SPOILED ON ANYTHING ABOUT SEASON 2 VOLTRON 
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> So, wow, talk about having to give up literally every head canon or idea I had about Keith :p Him being Korean (and they made him from Texas!), when he was orphaned, not being able to swim, him being gay. He probably isn't lactose intolerant either **cries** 
> 
> (A friend has already told me that it is possible he is still LGBT+ and also possible that he is still Korean because there are Koreans in Texas. She is right, though I am unsure if the show will go in the direction now.) 
> 
> Please God give him a sexy ass awesome Galra mom.


	16. Epilogue and Bad Ending Summary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Self-indulgent epilogue and bad ending summary for those who want it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I can't believe this is done now. Thanks to everyone who read it, left a kudos, or a comment. I have no words for how happy I am that people read this especially since it is a very personal story for me. 
> 
> If you like my writing, I do have another multi-chapter fic going on called Parasol, but it is pretty different from this one. Just warning you, lol. I will also be around in the Voltron tag in other ways because apparently I cannot stop writing stories with these characters. I would actually like to do something in the canonical universe next though still angsty. 
> 
> Bad ending summary is in the end notes if you want it and also carries a trigger warning for some of the story tags.

There are over 7 billion people on earth. Keith sometimes thinks about this fact, thinks about all those people out there he will never meet, a faceless crowd, all those people, few of which would care if he died today. After he dies, it would not be long before everyone forgot he existed at all. These facts, in the past, had made him feel depressed, lonely, insignificant, worthless.

These facts today take on a different light for Keith. Out of those 7 billion people, he found his own little nook, his own little piece of it, with enough people who care to last him a lifetime. Hunk and Shay. Pidge. Shiro, Allura, Catriona, and another life on the way that Uncle Keith would need to babysit.

And Lance.

They had moved in together. After some growing pains, including Lance getting used to him talking in his sleep and Keith losing it over wet towels on the floor a few times, they had settled into a comfortable existence with each other.

It isn’t that things are perfect. That Keith never doubts Lance sometimes. That Lance never gets frustrated with that fact. That Keith doesn’t sometimes wake up in the middle of the night, feeling Lotor’s hands around his throat or panicking at the thought of losing Lance.

But these happen less and less as time passes and are more and more manageable when they do. Keith continues to see a therapist. Lance continues to be his rock.

When Keith was younger, he read a book that talked about happiness being a pane of glass that you hold onto until it breaks. After that, it can never be put back together again and you can never return to that original state of happiness. He had interpreted this to mean that he was permanently damaged, that what had been done could not be undone. That his happiness had been shattered almost from birth.  And, to a certain extent, it is true. Keith can’t pretend he is a blank slate. Some part of him would always be that unwanted foster kid, that abuse victim. But, older now, Keith interprets this quote differently. Panes of glass, even when broken, can be put back together. Depending on the type of glass and adhesive used, they can even become stronger, hardier. And Keith is hardy. Keith endures. He is no longer afraid to fight against his demons and he succeeds, growing stronger, being aware of and handling the wounds marked across his soul. 

Rather than only focusing on the ways that life is terrible, he focuses on the ways it isn’t. That out of those 7 billion people and endless possibilities, he signed up for a Comp class with Lance. That Pidge and Hunk exist. That Shiro held on to him even when Keith was at his lowest. Good things happened to him too, good things that are precious and Keith is never going to let them go again.

 

********

 

“Honey? Sweetie? Love of my life?”

“Oh god, Lance, what did you do?”

“Promise me you won’t be mad…”

Keith pushes his way into their apartment after work, locking the door behind him and hoping Lance hadn’t burned the kitchen down or something.

“Where are you?”

“In the back room.”

“My office? Why…why are you in there?”

He walks up to the closed room, sudden fear streaking through his body. Lance never went into that room. He prefers to work in the living room, sprawled out on his laptop, as opposed to what he calls a “stuffy” office. Keith takes a deep breath. He didn’t want Lance in that room because it is where he had hidden…

The door pops open and a sheepish Lance pokes his head out.

“Ok, did you promise?”

A whine that doesn’t come from Lance emerges from the room.

“What…the fuck Lance.”

Keith pushes the door open and doesn’t see anything for a moment. Then, some movement.

A tiny white and black dog cowers in the corner, its ears drooping, eyes on the ground, trembling.

“Look, Keith, it’s been wandering around my work for a few days and it may have an owner but I don’t think so and it looked scared and hungry and alone and I know we didn’t discuss this so I can take her to a shelter if you want we have a few no kill ones in the area, I mean, if that is what you want and…”

“Shhh. You are talking too loud and it’s scaring her.”

Keith slips to the ground on his knees, holding out his hand for her to smell. She did, smelling it, considering, and then laying her head on his knee. Keith pet her gently, then looks back at Lance.

Lance has his hand over his mouth, watching for another moment before kneeling beside him.

“God, you have no idea how much I love you,” he hisses in Keith’s ear before reaching out to pet the dog as well.

They move Batty (Lance had already named her despite pretending like he would be ok taking her to a shelter just moments before) to the living room where they make plans. They would have to go to the store. Lance gave her a hot dog when he got home, but she would need actual food. They would also need to discuss finding a vet.

As Lance gets ready to go with Keith to a pet store, Keith slips back into his office, shutting the door behind him. He walks to his desk, opening the second drawer on the right. He sifts lifts a set of boring looking papers, finding the little felt bag beneath them. He opens the little felt bag, letting the black box drop out. He sighs with both relief and a bit of fear when he sees the ring glints safely in its spot, undiscovered.

“Sweetie, are you ready? What do you think Batty’s color should be? Does she look like a pink girl to you or purple? She needs a leash, a harness maybe, her own bowls…”

“Coming-just a second!”

Keith hides the box again, patting the papers carefully into place, and shuts the office door behind him. He walks down the hallway and sees Lance at the front door, smiling and holding out his hand.

Keith is going to hold onto the things that are precious to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what the dog looks like lol  
> http://www.animaroo.com/assets/sites/animaroo.com/img/breeds/img/rat-terrier_medium.jpg?1355978528  
> The happiness is a pane of glass comes from an actual book-Unless by Carol Shields. I don't like the entire book, but I really liked that part. 
> 
> Bad ending summary  
> So, in the beginning, I thought I would have two endings-a good and bad one. I was in a really dark place when I first sketched this story out so just be forewarned the bad ending idea was terrible. 
> 
> So, a few chapters back Lance and Keith are reunited and Lance ends up kissing Keith and then leaving, but texting right away and asking to hang out with him. In the bad ending, they actually had sex that night instead of just kissing. Then Lance, who to me is a good person but very immature, freaks out because he feels like he took advantage of Keith. So, he says he will text and then doesn't for some time period (a few weeks?). Keith is emotionally fragile and feels used and dumped by someone he used to trust and love so he kills himself. I actually started to write the suicide chapter and then stopped after about 3-4 sentences, cried, and deleted it :p  
> Then, there would be a few chapters dealing with the fall out, particularly because Lance feels like he basically killed Keith and will regret for the rest of his life not calling him or texting him sooner. 
> 
> So, that was the depressing ass bad end I had planned. I like this one much, much better. Lance+Keith+healthy relationship+ dogs=how I want every Klance fic to end :p


End file.
